What do you do when your partner asks for an open relationship?
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An Afternoons listener got in touch with Jesse posing that very question after his partner of seven years told him she wanted their relationship to be an open one while he’s unsure.
After a bit of pondering, Jesse invited neuropsychologist Dr Hannah Korrel, on the show to discuss the man’s conundrum.
Dr Korrel is the author of the book, How to Break up with Friends and has spent years studying the brain and psychology of relationships.
She says studies suggest about one in five people might be in an open relationship, so it could be a little more common than people think.
“It is an area we don’t really talk a lot about because of the taboo related to sexual activity.
“[It] can be everything from your consensual non-monogamous relationship to a partially open relationship, so maybe you’re into swingers or you have an open marriage, and then there can also be one sided relationships where one person is engaging in extra marital stuff with their partner being consenting to that or perhaps not consenting.”
Consent, she says, is crucial to a healthy relationship and makes up part of the Triple C model experts believe is needed for situations like these to succeed – consent, communication and comfort.
“Consent is are we actually both happy to do this… that’s a big one because I think there is so much pressure from society for us to go with the flow and do things that maybe we’re not actually that cool with because we don’t want to rock the boat and we don’t want to upset our partner.”
Dr Korrel says non-monogamy can have many rules attached to it – whether it’s an emotional and/or physical relationship, one that involves friends or strangers etc, so it is important to communicate those clearly.
“What are you communicating with your partner, are you actually having a conversation… it’s a bit awkward and obviously going to be quite confronting if one person is saying ‘this is what I want to do’ and the other person is saying ‘I’m not sure I’m actually ok with that’, but that’s what it all boils down to.
“We need to have a conversation where we are speaking the truth,” she says.
She says if there is a breakdown in communication between partners it can lead to unhealthy relationships.
As for comfort, Dr Korrel says that comes down to how ok you are with the concept.
“What’s important for people to remember with this one is that it’s ok to not be comfortable with something and it’s ok to own that, and it’s ok to say, ‘I don’t like what’s happening.
“If you know in yourself what you are comfortable with and not comfortable with, then we come down to setting boundaries and actually sticking to those boundaries.”
She says it’s important to remember that people who want a monogamous relationship are not prudes or negative Nancy’s, it rather means they are being true to themselves.
Dr Korrel says research out of Canada has uncovered that people aged 25-44 are more likely to engage in non-monogamous relationships, and 20 percent of those people have children under the age of 19.
And the introduction of dating apps such as Tinder and Hinge may have created more of an urge of casualness in couples, she says.
“It’s new territory for society living in an era where we are more open about the way things are done.
“You might be in an open marriage, you might be in a polyamorous marriage, might be a swinger and that’s okay, if it’s what makes you happy and what makes your partner happy you can get a really healthy relationship out of doing things your way and in a non-traditional sense.
“It might make you closer and it might make you appreciate each other more, it keeps things dynamic and interesting and can be incredible.
“But it could also be something that has an insidious effect on your relationship and your marriage, so that’s where you need to be really, really aware of your own feelings, communicating those feelings to one and other, if you’re not comfortable you have to communicate that to your partner, otherwise over the long term that’s when we’re going to see the fallout of someone who’s not actually comfortable with what’s going on.”
She says it’s also pertinent to differentiate an open relationship and cheating.
“Make sure you’re not a scoundrel about it.”
