Although gender equality has come a long way, women still do twice as much domestic labour and childcare as their male partners.
Outdated expectations of "what women do and what men do" can negatively affect everyone in the family, says gender expert Kate Mangino.
"When we push men away… from participating in their family, I think they miss out on a lot of those really lovely moments that come with childhood," she tells Jesse Mulligan.
Kate Mangino Photo: supplied
Kate Mangino's new book Equal Partners is a guide to creating greater household equity by undoing harmful gender norms.
In 2022, many relationships are still coloured by "leftover expectations of what women do and what men do, what mothers do and what fathers do", Mangino says.
If a man puts in 10 hours of housework and childcare a week, the woman he lives with is usually putting in 20, and over time this adds up to a significant gap.
Partly to blame is the false belief – held by both men and women – that women are better suited biologically to caring and domestic work, she says.
Rather than being a fact, this is a social construct that can be harmful and restrictive for men and boys, too.
When it comes to parenting time, quality is important but so is quantity, she says. Men slotted into an "income-generation role" may not have the time to foster strong emotional bonds with kids.
"When we push men away… from participating in their family, I think they miss out on a lot of those really lovely moments that come with childhood."
According to the 2021 State of the World's Father Report, people in equal partnerships have better sex lives too.
"If one of you is taking on a huge proportion of the work, there is resentment, there's bitterness. You're not exactly looking to your partner in a loving way. You're frustrated with them."
In many partnerships, inequity comes from women taking on the cognitive labour of project-managing the household, Mangino says.
"There's a lot of work that happens in your head that is in addition to folding laundry and doing dishes."
Over time this extra labour has a negative impact on women's emotional health and earning potential, she says.
- Related: Dividing up the domestic mental load
Kate Mangino Photo: supplied
As a mother herself, Mangino feels personally judged – more so than her husband – if the house is untidy.
But more powerful than any real or perceived external pressure, she says, is the pressure many women put on themselves.
'Women oftentimes subconsciously weave our self-value in with how well we perform domestic tasks."
To re-divide the domestic workload both people have to be interested in changing and forgiveness – both yourself and your partner is key, Mangino says.
Talking generally about how gender norms operate in relationships can be a good way for a couple to start talking about equality within their relationship, rather than making the conversation just personal, Mangino says.
Once both partners have a common goal, she says it's a good idea to share this with your kids.
To further prepare them to be equal partners in the future – if they so desire – Mangino recommends ensuring that from an early age children are tasked with a variety of domestic chores, whatever their gender.
For younger couples, it's never too early to start talking about how they might create and maintain equality in their relationship.
"The best time to tackle this topic is when you're new [as a couple]. It's always easier to establish patterns from the beginning than to change them 20 years in."
