These days, about a third of new relationships begin on dating apps but it can still be a jungle out there.
To help identify the personality traits that make someone more likely to be inauthentic in online dating spaces, Australian researchers have discovered signs of vulnerable narcissism are a big red flag.
"It can be very harmful if you end up dating someone who is particularly high on this personality trait," says Megan Willis, senior lecturer at the Australian Catholic University.
Photo: Daniela Araya
Unlike grandiose narcissism, which is associated with a strong sense of entitlement and a need for admiration, attention and approval, vulnerable narcissism is characterised by high emotional sensitivity and deep insecurity and is often associated with violence and emotional abuse.
People high in vulnerable narcissism traits have fragile self-esteem and are much more prone to present themselves inauthentically to mask feelings of incompetence and inadequacy.
"They tend to be quite introverted and high on neuroticism and those personality traits also tend to be accompanied by a lack of agreeableness, and they tend to be dishonest."
So how do you spot a vulnerable narcissist?
These are people likely to engage in psychologically manipulative tactics such as gaslighting and breadcrumbing, Megan says, when "crumbs of attention and affection" are given out to keep hope alive but in reality, they have no interest in progressing a relationship.
Love bombing - showering the other person with romantic gestures early into a relationship - is another common tactic for vulnerable narcissists, she says.
"That can feel very flattering if you are interested in them but it makes them feel dependent or obligated to them.
"What tends to happen after this love-bombing phase is vulnerable narcissists tend to start devaluing the person they're dating and that's when the emotionally abusive behaviour starts to take place that can be being very critical, gaslighting, stonewalling… really harmful emotionally abusive behaviours tend to creep in."
Constructive criticism is an important part of relationships but vulnerable narcissists are hypersensitive to any criticism and prone to disproportionately angry outbursts in response, Megan says.
Habitual dishonesty is common among vulnerable narcissists and this should also be a red flag.
With online dating, it's crucial to take things slowly, she says, and setting really clear boundaries can help weed out people who may be harmful.
"In the case of people high on vulnerable narcissism, they won't respect the boundaries you set and that can be an indicator they don't have a lot of respect for you as a person."
