'Helicopter' parenting is a term often used pejoratively to describe an overprotective way of raising kids.
Although this approach to parenting is coming from a good place, it can interfere with a child's development, says psychologist Sarb Johal.
Photo: Anna Shvet / Pexels
Helicopter parents can seem too overprotective, Johal says, perhaps wanting to oversee everything their child is involved in and sometimes even acting on behalf of their child, particularly when they're in a group.
These parents are coming from a good place, but their behaviour can have unintended consequences.
“Often they’re trying to think about protecting their child from harm. It's not that they don't trust their child, it's just that they prefer not to see their child in emotional pain, not letting them get into trouble, perhaps.
“But it can take its toll as well, not just on the child, but perhaps interfering [with] some of their developmental pathways.”
Not only does overinvolvement impact a parent’s time and energy, Johal says it can also rob the child of life experiences and opportunities to learn and adjust to the world.
“What we're trying to do here is to protect the child from having these painful experiences, but we also know that some of these experiences are necessary for them to develop coping skills or even to understand that the world is somewhere where they can explore.
“If we interfere in that exploratory process a bit too much with children, we're kind of interrupting their ability to get out in the world and to learn its rules by itself, rather than having that scaffold constantly being provided by parents.
“So, the less you can interfere in that exploratory mode, the better.”
If the child is in pain or suffering abuse, swift parental intervention is "non-negotiable", Johal says, but not required for all of the "little bumps that people come across in life".
"[It's helpful to allow the child] to kind of sit with that [experience] for a while, allowing them to perhaps explore what other situations that they been in their lives where they can apply that coping skill or apply that learning or what happened in a previous relationship to this new relationship.
"Then the parent [can act] like a little bit of a coach, rather than going in and sorting it out for them.
"You want to coach them into being able to resolve the situation rather than fly on in like the police force and say, you know 'don't talk to my kid like that'.”
Parental intervention that is underpinned by perfectionism becomes particularly evident in educational settings, Johal says.
“That might be the parent who literally does the homework because they want the higher marks. But actually, that's not helping the child. It might be the parent who's always at school, telling the teacher what they're doing wrong with respect to the child.”
These parents may be motivated by concerns about how the child may be viewed by others, or even how other adults view their own parenting skills.
“Parents can often be concerned about how they're being perceived by others and are they being a good parent. And I think that perhaps sometimes our kind of benchmark as to what represents a good parent has been skewed at times."
Authoritative or supportive parenting is an approach that involves love and acceptance but is based around setting healthy limits.
“Parents [using this style] are intentionally involving their kids in making decisions rather than perhaps doing it for them and performing actions [on their behalf] as well."
This way is more fluid and attentive to the individual needs of the child, i.e. asking if they’re struggling with anything and questioning whether what they’re doing is age-appropriate.
“Sometimes the helicopter parenting style almost feels like a bit of a shortcut, you can just say, ‘I'm just going to do the same style with everybody and this is how I'm going to do it.
“Whereas the supportive parenting mode takes a little bit more thought and preparation and deliberation and being in the moment to try to do things in age-appropriate ways for all your children, who may be at different stages of development.”
There are overlaps in the helicopter and supportive parenting styles, Johal adds.
“In both cases, the parent is definitely trying to put the child's best interests in front of their mind. The child has been put first, parents are definitely very involved in both modes, and parents can be counted upon to be there - they're reliable, they're going to be there for the child.
“Where it's different is that if you're in a supportive parenting style, then the child gets a lot more say in decision-making, and what it is that they're doing and choosing to do, and that tends to be age-appropriate.
"We also don't see supportive parents wanting to completely cocoon their child from experiencing failure or pain, and they see these as learning opportunities rather than things that have to be avoided at all costs.”
A helicopter parent may be more authoritarian when it comes to social media, regardless of a child's age, Johal says.
“There’s social media discourse where, when you run into trouble, then you start having a conversation. But the general blanket rule is that you're going to be fairly strict on what's permissible in terms of the media that they're accessing, but also where they're accessing it.
"Is it on their phone, where they've got it all the time? Or is it in a shared space within the family on an iPad or some other computer device? There's autonomy but within very construct-defined boundaries. The needs of a 12-year-old are going to be quite different to the needs of a 15 to 16-year-old, trying to stay on top of the social media landscape.”
Many parents want to protect their kids when they go to social events like parties or sleepovers, but they've got to learn to navigate these occasions themselves and develop skills for managing their own relationships, Johal says.
If parents are self-aware and mindful of their own childhood experiences, they're less likely to have a distorted perception of the level of threat posed to their child and react disproportionately to the situation, Johal says.
“Having a little bit of perspective and thinking about what is it that happened in your own history of being parented that you are either wanting to repair, or perhaps are in danger of repeating that might not be helpful for your child in that situation is important.”
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