Photo: Photosport / Derek Morrison
Last month, Tom Robinson announced he was quitting professional rugby saying a series of concussions had left him living in fear - to the point that he would feign injury in order not to be selected.
Robinson spent eight years as a professional rugby player in New Zealand and Japan. He's a former Blues captain, he played for Northland and most recently Toyota Verblitz.
Robinson recently returned to Aotearoa to embark on a life after rugby, with a newfound love of yoga and meditation which he wants to share with others.
The fear of getting concussed built and built in his mind, he told RNZ's Nine to Noon.
"I was afraid to admit that I had this problem, and that this voice in my head was getting the better of me."
The anxiety increased, he said, every time he got a head knock in training or on the field.
"I'd go, 'No Tom, you're fine, it's just in your head.' But there'd always be that voice that would go, 'What if? What if you're not okay?'"
It all became overwhelming, he said.
"I got back to Japan, and at this stage, I've just become so sensitive. I was playing, and all I was trying to do was not get any hits to the head. I didn't want to be playing, and the same was happening at training."
Eventually at training he got a "decent hit to the head".
"Not concussed, no symptoms, but I just again, that voice sparked up, the uncertainty. I couldn't take it, and I just walked off."
He went to see the doctor to report a concussion.
"Because that would remove the uncertainty and would mean I wouldn't have to play. I could go through the return-to-play protocols."
The anxiety gradually building in him worsened the situation, he said.
"I remember getting to training a couple of days later, and this little voice popped up. I had this thought of, I couldn't actually recall - visualise - myself brushing my teeth.
"And suddenly my mind went, 'Oh, I can't remember if I brushed my teeth, I'm getting memory loss'."
And things just "started to spiral", he said.
"Because I was so anxious I wasn't sleeping well, and then my mind went, 'Sleep is a symptom of concussion, I'm concussed, getting early onset,' it was just so identified with that voice inside my head."
He hit the wall driving back from a game where he had been watching his teammates play.
"I was having that battle in my mind of, 'Am I getting a headache? No, Tom, you're not. It's just in your mind'.
"And my awning fell off my camper on the highway, and I was picking it up, I remember holding up traffic, and I just got in my van, and I just bawled my eyes out.
"I just called up my family and I said, 'I can't do this anymore'."
He long had an interest in - and had practised, meditation - and this helped him overcome his fears. He has embarked on a programme of yoga teacher training and has gained a sense of peace, he said.
"A sense of peace that I've never experienced in life before. I had the dream of becoming an All Black, but I know that nothing in life has ever given me a permanent state of happiness, and nothing in life will until I just learn to make peace with the present moment, with whatever it brings in life."
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