Despite our quest for happiness, rates of depression, anxiety and suicide are rising in the western world.
It seems chasing happiness is actually making us unhappy.
What's really missing from our lives is meaning, says writer Emily Esfahani Smith.
She reveals the building blocks of a meaningful life in her new book The Power of Meaning: Finding Fulfillment in a World Obsessed With Happiness.
Smith spent her early years in a Sufi meeting house amongst people devoted to service and spiritual goals.
When her family moved on, she felt a bit unmoored, as mainstream western culture hammers people with the message that we should pursue happiness because that's what makes a good life.
We are told happiness is a positive mental state we should all be able to achieve and that personal success and wealth is the path to it.
In fact, it might be easier to add meaning to our lives.
Making meaning is an ongoing process which takes effort, but those who have it are more fulfilled, Smith says.
Meaningful work like parenting can be stressful, effortful and doesn't always make us happy, but it can bring joy and other deep rewards, she says.
Generally, people feel their lives have meaning when three things are present, she says:
- A sense of significance and worth
- A sense of purpose or a valued goal
- A sense of coherence – i.e. an overall order in their lives and life as a whole
Our culture suggests meaning should be available to all of us at work if we simply 'discover our passion', but not everyone is going to find meaning in their jobs, Smith says.
"There are all kinds of different areas of life that we can find meaning in – raising a family, having a relationship, if you're religious your faith or community service that you do, things like that."
Emily Esfahani Smith Photo: http://emilyesfahanismith.com
To understand the building blocks of a meaningful life, Smith read psychology, philosophy, neuroscience and interviewed dozens of people.
What she calls the Four Pillars of Meaning came up again and again:
Belonging
"Being in relationships or part of communities where we really feel at home and like we've found our tribe – where we feel valued and where we value others in turn."
Purpose
'Purpose' has almost become a cliche but you don't have to do something grand or change the world to lead a life of purpose, Smith says.
"It's about having some goal that organises your life and that involves making a contribution to others."
Storytelling (i.e. the story you tell yourself about how you became the person you are)
"We all need to understand that we're not just the byproduct of random events, but there's an order to things that our life follows, a narrative that makes sense and that explains who we are."
Transcendence (often experienced via meditation, nature, religion and art)
Experiencing transcendence can shift our perspective and lead us to think our own life and life, in general, is more meaningful.
"These are those moments when you're connected to something much bigger and your sense of self fades away."
"You step outside of yourself for a little bit and then you come back and realise the things you were so worried about are not as meaningful as you thought they were, that what really matters are your relationships and your spirituality."
People who have strong pillars of meaning are generally more resilient, Smith says.
"When the adversity hits them they kind of have this architecture which helps them withstand the earthquake that is the adversity."
You can find out which is your main pillar of meaning with Emily Esfahani Smith's quiz.
Watch her TED Talk here.
