In the 21st century, online dating has become separate from the rest of our social lives, says Dr Marie Bergström.
She’s a researcher at the French Institute of Demographic Studies in Paris and spent more than a decade interviewing Silicon Valley-based owners of dating apps.
In her book The New Laws of Love: Online Dating and the Privatization of Intimacy, she argues the privatisation of intimacy is changing the way we think about love.
Photo: 123RF
Online dating is not only a big industry, but one of the first online businesses, Dr Bergström tells Afternoons.
“We had online dating platforms before we had social networks so very early on, really when the world wide web was really new, we had the first platforms coming out and one of the first ones was match.com that still today is a big site.”
What started out as a marginalised practice has now boomed, with people increasingly seeing that online dating is not just for hook-ups, she says.
“It really says a lot about the transformation of love, the transformation of sex in contemporary society I think.”
But because these relationships are forming beyond the boundaries of our social lives, the intimacy involved has become privatised too, she says.
“Traditionally, we meet through friends, through family, at school, at work or at church … And in these traditional settings, you are linked to the person you met one way or another, so like you share acquaintances or you share a social setting.
“An online dating platform is very different from this because these are places where you meet people you don’t know and you don’t need to see them again if things don’t turn out the way you want to.
“And this is what I mean when I say online dating makes dating much more private because it operates really strong a distinction between your social life on the one hand and your private life.”
This way people can keep their sexual life much more private than, for instance, if they were to meet a person at a bar or at school or work, where others would see them together, Dr Bergström says.
Although people might still discuss who they met online among their social circle, she says, “but what has really changed is that they can choose whether or not they want to [share that]”.
The discrete nature of it is also what has made it so appealing, she says, with data from the US and Germany showing that online dating was the third most common way to meet a life partner.
“I think the reason for that [its popularity] is may be a bit different for different age groups. I think for young people it’s very appealing to meet people without necessarily your friends and family knowing about it.
“When you’re young you want to have fun, you want to hook up, you want to experience, but you don’t necessarily want everyone to know about it.
“Another reason why it’s appealing … [is] because maybe there are not that many singles in your immediate surrounding and I think that’s another aspect that’s really important for individuals more in their mid-life, because when you’re 40, when you’re 50, most of your friends are in a relationship already.
“In this age group, online dating platforms are very popular because it’s really a way to broaden the pool of potential partners, going outside of your social circle to try and find someone new, meet someone new.
“And this means today, online dating is actually a really important way for starting over. Actually, the couples that are formed on these platforms are in a majority second unions, or third unions, meaning it’s often people who are separated and wanting to start over.”
While there are fears about meeting strangers through online dating, especially for women, studies show that violence against women is more often committed by someone they know well, she says.
“In fact, I don’t know of any study that has shown online dating would be more dangerous or more of a context where women would be exposed more to violence than other settings.
“I think what is for sure is that it can be a quite stressful and uncomfortable experience, especially for women, because either consciously or unconsciously, a lot of female users are trying to prevent violence and trying to evaluate the situation because the possibility of violence is always there.
“Also, a lot of female users put into place different types of security measures, meaning that you tell a friend when you go on a date, or you have your friends calling you, seeing if you are okay.”
The norms of what is an appropriate setting to meet a partner is changing and we can see that through the popularity of online dating, Dr Bergström says.
