Everyone has secrets. In fact, most of us have about 13 going at any one time according to Dr Michael Slepian who studies them at Columbia University.
Hiding secrets is hard work, living with a secret is even harder, he says.
After surveying 50,000 people around the globe, and finding out about a family secret himself, Dr Slepian says he understands the power they have and what we can do to keep them, share them and learn from them.
His book is called The Secret Power of Secrets: How Our Inner worlds shape Well-being, Relationships and Who We Are.
It's against human nature to have secrets, he told Jesse Mulligan.
“What makes secrecy so difficult is we don't want to be alone in our thoughts. And even when it's hard to reveal something and difficult to confront some truth, even though you could change how someone thinks of you, although it never goes as poorly as you think it will, we have this temptation to hold back and it creates problems.
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“It solves a few problems, but it creates other problems that can be more pernicious.
“Just simply having to live alone with a secret can bring shame and isolation and feelings of inauthenticity,” he says.
It's often not the secret itself, but the burden of keeping it that causes problems, he says.
“It's not the moment of hiding and conversation that's harmful, it's having to think about this thing on your own.”
Confiding a secret in another is a double-sided coin, he says.
“When we confide a secret in someone, it's this huge act of intimacy, something you wouldn't tell just anyone, opening yourself up, making yourself vulnerable. This is the stuff of intimate relationships.
“But at the same time, if confiding in this person is going to entangle them into the problem, you might be doing them a favour to not confide in them, especially the more people you know in common, the more this secret implicates people, it's going to now be difficult for this person, to have to carry that secret on your behalf.”
Be careful in whom you confide, he says.
“If what you're going to tell this person is going to totally scandalise them, it's also not your best choice.
“If someone finds what you're telling them to be highly morally objectionable, they're more likely to pass that information on to a third party essentially as a form of punishment.”
Some of the things that we choose to keep secret are perhaps unsurprising.
“Habits, unusual behaviours, hobbies, issues around finances, of course, sex and issues around relationships, family secrets is a big one, ambitions is another highly common one, and violating another person's trust.”
And if you find yourself ruminating or rehashing the past it’s a sign to confide, he says.
“If you find yourself continually rehashing the past, and how bad you feel about the secret and it's something you're gonna ruminate on, that's a signal to me that you could do better to talk to someone.”
