Phil Thompson, founder and director of Protect Self Defence Photo: Supplied
Phil Thompson has spent over 20 years teaching people how to defend themselves against the threat of violence.
He says that usually if a person tries to pick a verbal fight with you, the best and bravest move is to walk away.
Note: This interview mentions different types of violence including domestic violence.
Phil Thompson is the founder of the training organisation Protect Self Defence.
In the moments before a person makes an aggressive approach, Thompson says there are dozens of warning signs, known as pre-contact indicators, that they will subconsciously give off.
"Who's in the vicinity? What's their behaviour? Is their behaviour outside the baseline of a normal person's behaviour? Are they looking at you funny? Are they looking up and down? Are they looking at you then talking to their mate, and they both look back at you? Are they walking towards you but looking over their shoulder when they do? Who's with me? Who's with them? Are they one person or more than one? Have they got a weapon? Can they get their hands on a weapon? What state am I in? Am I drunk? Am I high? Have I had a bad day? What's my physical environment?"
Outside of domestic settings, about 80 percent of aggressive attacks are what's called social violence, perpetrated by "normal" people having a really bad day.
"You cut them off in traffic, you looked at their partner the wrong way, you bumped into them in the pub, you stepped on their foot on the line in the supermarket…"
The type of violence driven by an ego bruising can be de-escalated, and therefore avoided, with tactical communication skills and self-control, he says. Not reacting to their aggression can be the hardest part.
"An attack on our sexuality, an attack on our race, an attack on our religion, an attack about our whanau, anything that's sacred to us is going to trigger most people. The unfortunate thing is that's usually what the person wants. The reason the person is using this to start with is they want that reaction. And the consequences attached to that reaction are enormous."
Walking away from such a verbal attack doesn't mean you're a coward, Thompson says, it actually takes a lot of bravery.
"Most violence happens when people see no alternative to it. So I've allowed [the other person] to see an alternative, which is to let me walk off but [also] let everyone watching know 'hey, it's on my terms here'. That's me being very smart and very tactical and well-trained.
"I might go home and beat myself up and think I should have done it differently, and my partner was watching that and I look like a coward to everybody … But what you've potentially eliminated is that first fight - the one that could cost you your life or your family's life."
The other 20 percent of violent attacks outside the home are what's called antisocial (or criminal) violence - incidents in which someone wants to either take something from us or do something to us.
Acts of criminal violence are very difficult to de-escalate because of the sheer intent of the person behind them, Thompson says.
"The fastest way out of this to make sure you can go home to your loved ones is to give that person what they want and get out of there to avoid risk and escalation into violence."
When further self-defence becomes necessary, he recommends first raising your voice.
"One of the things we can do in some of these situations is to employ what we call a 'verbal fence', which is to basically tell that person at the earliest point, in whatever manner you wish [to get away]. You know, offend your grandmothers when you use this kind of stuff."
In a very, very small percentage of cases, Thompson says intentional injury as self-defence will be reasonable.
"If there's absolutely no other choice, if this couldn't be avoided, if it couldn't be diffused, if it couldn't be de-escalated and there's no way to escape it, there's no way around it, there's no way to get help, then a physical response is likely appropriate, provided that it's within the law."
If in a situation where you need to try and injure a violent person, going for their genitals may work, he says, but can be less effective if they're on methamphetamine, which can damage their pain sensors.
Two "very serious and significant" targets are the eyes and throat: "If you're going after those, it better be a situation where you can legally justify that. Because if this goes to court, and it will, that's going to be tested."
In self-defence, your goal is to escape, Thompson says, not to fight.
"If they drop on the ground, you run. If they back away from you, because you've struck them in a vital point, that's your opportunity to run.
"You also don't want them backing away and reaching into the pocket for the screwdriver they've got in their pocket or their mates jumping in now and [the situation] escalating further and further, and you've lost the element of surprise.
"So the key here is if this is your absolute last resort, do what you need to do, but do it to the point where you can escape and get out and get help."
Contrary to what your parents or other well-meaning people may have advised, Thompson says sticking your car keys out between your fingers while making a fist - "so that you're basically Wolverine" - could actually cause more damage than good.
When walking through a car park at night, he recommends having your keys in your hand to help you get away from someone if needed, not as a potential weapon of self-defence.
"If someone approaches me, I'd like to have my keys ready to jump in the car or to get in my house. Because when my adrenalin kicks in it's hard to find them and I start fumbling around. I can't get them ready."
Where to get help:
Need to Talk? Free call or text 1737 any time to speak to a trained counsellor, for any reason.
Lifeline: 0800 543 354 or text HELP to 4357
Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0508 828 865 / 0508 TAUTOKO (24/7). This is a service for people who may be thinking about suicide, or those who are concerned about family or friends.
Depression Helpline: 0800 111 757 (24/7) or text 4202
Samaritans: 0800 726 666 (24/7)
Youthline: 0800 376 633 (24/7) or free text 234 (8am-12am), or email talk@youthline.co.nz
What's Up: online chat (3pm-10pm) or 0800 WHATSUP / 0800 9428 787 helpline (12pm-10pm weekdays, 3pm-11pm weekends)
Kidsline (ages 5-18): 0800 543 754 (24/7)
Rural Support Trust Helpline: 0800 787 254
Healthline: 0800 611 116
Rainbow Youth: (09) 376 4155
If it is an emergency and you feel like you or someone else is at risk, call 111.
