Children need limits and should not be top dog in the family, education consultant Joseph Driessen says.
Following on from his advice on how to pacify an angry child, he gives practical tips for working with your child to break a cycle of disobedience.
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Habitually disobedient children are protesting a perceived lack of love or reacting to parenting that's either too punitive or too permissive, Driessen says.
A permissive parent usually loves their child intensely – they're reasonable, they talk a lot to the child and ask a lot of questions, but things go wrong with limit-setting, he says.
Often these parents have doubts that they're doing the right thing in setting a limit if it makes the child feel bad.
"The parent is actually committed to a parenting style which assumes the child is able to manage themselves – but that's not true."
When a child is distressed, these parents can react disproportionately and get really distressed themselves.
"They feel so bad that they just want to give in to get rid of the feelings for the children and themselves."
He recommends these parents ask themselves whether it is, in fact, bad when a child feels disappointed or frustrated that they aren't getting their own way.
He says the answer is no; the child needs to feel disappointment and learn how to manage it.
If permissive parenting has allowed a child to attain 'top dog status' in the family, you've got a fight on your hands, Driessen says.
He draws the analogy of a wolf pack, where the average member is friendly and appeasable, especially to the alpha wolves, but the top wolf becomes arrogant, aggressive and audacious.
"Children will do that, as well. If they gain control of the family by saying 'I just refuse', that [behaviour] belongs to a very high-ranking social member, and with that comes a biological approach of anger, defiance, provoking the parent."
Easing your child into a different dynamic could be a three-month or even a six-month project, he says.
The first thing to do when faced with disobedience is try not to react emotionally – "You don't buy into it and you just live with it for a while."
Later, once you and the child are both calm, initiate a casual chat about how your family life works – talk about teamwork and responsibility, he says.
Then plan a meeting with the child where you write up together a list of privileges the child gets from the household along side a list of what is expected of them, which as 'accepting the authority of the parent' on top.
Keep this conversation factual, not emotional or shaming.
A little later, once the child has had a chance to think about it, have another meeting and calmly talk about what should happen when they don't keep up their responsibilities. Suggest crossing off some of their privileges for a day.
Participation in this process will give the child a sense of autonomy, Driessen says.
Then make a request you know is likely to result in a clash, i.e. 'After dinner I'm going to do the dishes and ask you to dry them. And you'll probably find that a little difficult because you want to go off and do something, but remember we've had a little talk and I'd like you to do that."
Keep it light and side-step the aggression, he says.
If they do what you ask, say something to the effect of 'That's really great', but don't rave on, he says.
It's easy for parents to be effusive with praise when they're relieved and emotional – but ultimately this doesn't benefit a child who's insecure.
"They actually want the parent to be a little bit reserved. They're becoming less anxious because the parent is more like a parent. And all of a sudden the parent defaults back to being a friend and being emotional and showing their vulnerability.
"Many children like their parent or teacher to be kind but a little bit reserved … That reserve and calmness and reliability is a signal to the child 'Hey, I've got a parent back. I've got a parent who is truly in charge of themselves."
When the child won't do as you ask – i.e. 'I'm not gonna dry these dishes' – do nothing until you're both calm and tell them you want to have a little chat again, Driessen says.
Say something to the effect of "Remember what we were going to do when you made a little mistake?" Then talk about how you're going to go through the process and they can choose privileges to lose or you can suggest doing something together to make up for the mistake, such as sweeping.
If they refuse, tell them you'll choose for them.
All the time keep your language light, but your actions firm.
"You stay calm, you stay the parent, you stay the adult. That's what the child really, really wants."
If the child insists on staying top dog and you feel completely disempowered, what do you do then?
Many parents in this situation find it very difficult to stay calm on their own, and Driesen suggests it's best to have two calm adults working with a child who is physically aggressive.
if there's only one of you, he suggests getting back-up from a sibling, a friend or even the school: "I know one parent who marched the child to school the next day and the principal just said they wanted the child to obey their mother – wow, that was amazing."
Taking away further privileges and time-outs can work for some people, but if a child is really out of control and you're at your wit's end, you may need the help of a parenting coach to work on and strengthen your strategies, Driessen says.
"If your car breaks down you go to the garage, if you get really unhealthy you go the doctor, if your family is not functioning get some help from a psychologist or a family therapist."
An angry child needs you to be calm
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