People in the public eye have "a bit of a responsibility to be warts and all", says TV presenter Matt Chisholm.
While he was weighing up a publisher's invitation to write a memoir, someone asked him two questions: Have you got something to say? Can you help people?
Matt's answered yes to both questions, and the result is his candid new book Imposter.
Matt Chisholm Photo: supplied
Matt Chisholm grew up in South Otago and felt "a bit different" as a small-town New Zealand boy, despite having Speight's "Southern Man" posters on his bedroom walls and becoming Captain of the 1st XV rugby team.
He started drinking at 13 and guesses now that he was an alcoholic by the age of 20.
Around that time Matt picked up a pamphlet on depression at the doctor's office. Although he ticked every box, he didn't mention his mental health to the doctor or anyone else.
This was before rugby player John Kirwan and TV personality Mike King had started talking publicly about depression, Matt says.
"I was Jack the Lad, you know? I was a rugby-playing country boy, a Lincoln [University] student. There's no way that I would share my vulnerabilities or the fact that I was struggling or anything like that. It took me a long time to be able to do that."
Then there was the booze. Many people go out for a few drinks and go home, but Matt says he was never one of them.
"I'd want to get in the car and travel to the next town and meet new people and try things… and that, as I've figured out, isn't very good for me."
Matt was 24 when his beloved older brother Nick had a stroke on the rugby field that left him with locked-in syndrome - unable to walk and talk.
Matt left his rural job and moved in with his brother. It was a beautiful and challenging few years, he says.
"My mates were travelling the world and doing all of the things and I was in Dunedin, trying to be sober, trying to help my brother want to his life."
Twenty-one years on, Matt says he and Nick have an amazing relationship, and being close to Nick's family was part of the reason he and his family moved back to Otago.
"[Nick's] mind is fully alert but he's trapped inside this unresponsive body, so he's a good teacher and he's become quite wise. And he still has his great sense of humour so he's really cool to hang out with. A really special guy."
Matt got his television break at 30. He was studying journalism at Massey Wellington when a TVNZ producer asked him to help make a story about Nick. After a bit of work experience at TVNZ, Matt was fast-tracked into daily current affairs journalism.
He says some of his colleagues resented the breaks he was getting and imposter syndrome struck again.
"There were one or two people there who made my life a living hell and really wanted to see me fail. So I wanted to prove to him that I was worthy. While I may not have been brilliant I made sure no one questioned my work ethic, you know?"
Work becomes an obsession for Matt who, as well as being a current affairs journalist and hosting the reality shows Survivor and Celebrity Treasure Island, was starting a family.
"I thought I'd be happy just achieving those goals but I've subsequently figured out that you actually have to work on your wellness. I wasn't running, I wasn't connecting with friends, I wasn't doing anything for me personally."
Photo: supplied
In his memoir, Matt is open about how challenging it was to keep up with the competing demands of work and family as a new father.
"I just felt hopeless and I didn't feel that competent and I want to be competent. It was a tough time."
Matt and his family now live in the small North Otago town of Omakau, where "there's a lot of hard men".
It's great that not one of them has given him a hard time about his vulnerability, Chisholm says, but New Zealand culture still has a long way to go in terms of encouraging men to open up.
For him, it's been the way forward.
"My life has been considerably better since i started sharing since i started becoming vulnerable, since I decided that there is another way to live my life.
"If you have some sway, even if I just have a little bit, I can use that on social media to sell Reebok shoes or I could use it to try and help people deal with their demons or live better lives.
"This conversation now, it's not easy for me but it's what I consider the right thing to do, you know?"
Where to get help:
- Need to Talk? Free call or text 1737 any time to speak to a trained counsellor, for any reason.
- Lifeline: 0800 543 354 or text HELP to 4357
- Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0508 828 865 / 0508 TAUTOKO (24/7). This is a service for people who may be thinking about suicide, or those who are concerned about family or friends.
- Depression Helpline: 0800 111 757 (24/7) or text 4202
- Samaritans: 0800 726 666 (24/7)
- Youthline: 0800 376 633 (24/7) or free text 234 (8am-12am), or email talk@youthline.co.nz
- What's Up: online chat (3pm-10pm) or 0800 WHATSUP / 0800 9428 787 helpline (12pm-10pm weekdays, 3pm-11pm weekends)
- Kidsline (ages 5-18): 0800 543 754 (24/7)
- Rural Support Trust Helpline: 0800 787 254
- Healthline: 0800 611 116
- Rainbow Youth: (09) 376 4155
