It's easy for parents to become angry when children fight repeatedly but a strategic approach is needed to help restore the peace, says parenting coach Joseph Dreissen.
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Some disruptive episodes are to be expected between siblings but when a toxic relationship between children is really affecting them and their family it's time to intervene, he tells Kathryn Ryan.
First, play detective
The fighting is usually driven by one child. Often parents suspect who but need to confirm it by becoming more observant and reflective, Dreissen says.
Keep in mind some children are super-manipulative and know how to bait their sibling so they'll lash out and get the blame. (This could even be the child who seems happier.)
Start by asking each child separately exactly what happened in the most recent combative incident and who started it.
"Sit both children together very calmly and give your positive expectations for the family. Say 'We're a family, we enjoy each other's company, we want to be safe in the house and your quarrels are just affecting us. Then you say I want this to stop. It's very important that you say 'I' or 'we'. It's important that they feel the authority of the family stands from parental expectations. Don't do it with screaming and yelling 'cause you're just actually modelling to them how not to do it.
Then ask each child for their thoughts and listen so they both feel heard.
"Then say 'I want this to stop from now on. It's very important that you say from now on."
Tell the children next time they fight you're going to find out who started it that person will get a consequence.
If the fighting continues, separate the children
Tell the children the new family rule is that if people can't play together nicely then they have to play apart.
"You can say 'This is your shared space with your family and your quarrels are ruining it. Yesterday you had a row so today you're going to play in separate rooms'.
"You have to be persistent and consistent and it might take a number of weeks before it embeds. And if you weaken and don't do that then they will know that you're not very persistent and consistent and then you're back to the very beginning.
"The child needs to be talked with, understood and loved but also gain awareness that it is completely and utterly unacceptable to try and hurt your siblings by constantly doing this. You keep that pressure up and the love and the understanding."
Spend more time with them individually
Your child may have had some kind of traumatic experience, especially in early childhood, that led them to feel their parent or parents weren't there for them.
This could be jealousy over the attention given to a new baby or anger about a parent leaving due to separation, Driessen says.
One way to work on healing this is to give your child more one-or-one attention - maybe go for a walk or watch a movie together.
"If that's what's driving it, you can begin to heal that childlike sense of 'you weren't there for me' which is nagging them. If you can heal that, then things will become much better.'
