Christmas Day is a time for families to get together - but also a time when families can fall apart.
There's no magic cure for making Christmas less emotionally challenging, but we can rehearse 'positive coping', says psychologist Kirsty Ross.
Photo: SP Vonlanthen / Unsplash
Gifting stress, financial stress, end-of-year tiredness, suddenly spending time with people we don't usually see a lot of... there's no magic cure for making Christmas less emotionally challenging but we can rehearse 'positive coping', Ross tells Kathryn Ryan.
Rehearsal doesn't mean preparing to let loose and say the things you wished you'd said the last ten Christmases, it's more about setting yourself up to keep calm.
When Ross's parents were still alive, she and her sister found that "old dynamics" still come up at Christmas.
"It didn't matter how old we were. Mum would still talk to us as if we were her children… some of our family of origin difficulties have the potential to come to the surface on Christmas day."
Our emotions often come from the child inside of us, Ross says, so we want to take a step back from them and remind ourselves that we're adults who can choose how we respond.
"We really want to really have confidence in our ability to manage our own emotions, our own thoughts and our own choices."
Children feed off their family's emotions, so make choices about the parent you want to be on the day, she says.
"There's a little bit of, dare I say, 'faking it' in front of the kids so you're not stressing them out and they're not getting more activated on top of tired and overexcited and maybe even nervousness."
Many of us put a lot of pressure on ourselves around family gatherings and the last thing you want is some kind of emotional breakdown on Christmas Day, Ross says.
If you have 'performance anxiety' about hosting, check on the pressure you may be placing on yourself and don't be afraid to share your feelings with others.
"We run the risk of wanting to appear so competent and so together that that's what people assume is happening so if we are really are struggling and genuinely need some help… ask for it. There's no shame or embarrassment in that."
Rehearse things you can do to get micro-breaks away from the conversation to gather your thoughts - such as grabbing a glass of water.
Psychologist Kirsty Ross Photo: David Wiltshire
If you've had tension with your partners family, plan ways your partner can show you support on Christmas Day. Maybe it could be a signal you give when you need a break.
If there's someone at the gathering who tends to wind you up, Ross recommends making light of what's happening as you set a boundary.
You might say, with a grin on your face, something like "Uncle Jim, there you go again, you love to create a bit of controversy... but we're not discussing this today".
"I'm drawing attention to the process of what's happening, but I'm not going to get into the details of what [the person] said 'cause I know that's going to end up in an argument and actually we're never going to agree on this."
When it comes to differing views on vaccination and mingling, establish your own 'bottom line', Ross says. Do you feel unsafe or do you feel uncomfortable?
If unsafe is the answer, catching up via Zoom might be better.
If you're uncomfortable, social distancing, hand sanitising and spending time outside in the open air - as the weather should allow - could be the way to go, Ross says.
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