For nearly three years, teenagers and young adults have taken a psychological hit at a time when they should kicking off the next stage of their life, says clinical psychologist Karen Nimmo.
“What we've got is a micro generation of young people who feel ripped off by the whole Covid experience and obviously that's had an impact on mental health and wellbeing because that's time they can't get back,” Nimmo tells Kathryn Ryan.
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But adolescence has always been a challenging part of life, she says, even for parents.
“If parents are looking back through the ages, we've always struggled with that life stage in a way, because you've got this beautiful little child who suddenly turns into something of an alien to you and they're defiant, and they're oppositional, and you feel a little bit like you're losing control and you're helpless in that space.
“So when Covid came along and made it really hard on kids, I think that put extra pressure on not just parents but families.”
Parents worry about their teens’ withdrawal the most, and that too has been exacerbated by Covid, Nimmo says.
“It's the loss of motivation, it's feeling lost, it's not being able to make plans, it's all that time online when they're not sure exactly what they do, whether it's homework or gaming or on social media in a safe and healthy way, it's the impact on friendships, and the other really big one is loneliness.
“Let's be honest, adolescents always wanted to spend a lot of time in their rooms, but now it's kind of at a different level, so it's really hard for parents to figure out.
“The key words [to look out for] would probably be excessive and persistent change, so when you sort of notice that real shift in the way they present themselves to you, and their friends, and in the world, that's when it's time to take a little bit more notice.”
Adolescents need time and space to figure things out for themselves, she says.
“I think we have to be careful not to do two things probably; not to overdo the positivity as in everything is going to be okay, you'll be all right, you'll get there, I just want you to be happy, all that sort of thing, because that is annoying and a little bit dismissive of where they are.
“The other thing to be careful of is talking too much about the great potential they have, because that's a really stretch goal and kids will often think they have potential, but the frustration is that the gap between where they are now and where they want to be feels massive … so that kind of throws them into that whole space of it's just easier to do nothing or just to exist.”
Managing your reactions to avoid big fights is a good start, she says.
“So if you don't react in a really negative or really escalated emotional way, you don't give them the same thing to bounce up against, so one of your main jobs is to be steady.
“Another thing you can do is to encourage them to build a good life, not an easy life and therefore don't take away the obstacles and barriers for them. Don't try to problem solve and don't try to fix everything and don't try to come up with a million different solutions to why they're feeling flat right now.
“Just encourage them to think it through and to take small steps and that you'll be there to support their decisions and that sort of thing.”
Another important strategy is to build their self-esteem based on their personal qualities rather than their achievements, she says.
“Often, we measure ourselves by all the things we've done and when in the last two or three years we haven't been able to do much, it feels a little bit like who am I, where am I going?
“But if you base who you are on the good things about you as a person, it's much easier to feel good about yourself no matter what you're doing.
“What a parent can do is to look for the evidence and remind the young person of the evidence that they have acted in this particular way.”
One of the best things young people can do is to get to know themselves, so that they are better equipped to navigate their life, she says.
“If I had one dream for every young person out there that would be to get to know as much as possible about who you are, your reactions, your emotions, your trigger points, everything you can, so that you are well armed to deal with the uncertainty of whatever is coming next.”
Beyond that, Nimmo says parents should give themselves a break because no matter how much you do, you can never cover all the bases successfully.
“There will always be something that surprises you. So, I think a good deal of self-compassion for any parent who's doing their best, because as I said, it's a tough gig and love messes everything up.”
