Mother-daughter duo Robyn and Molly Fausett have collaborated on a guide to raising teenagers in a new book called The Kids Will Be All Right.
Robyn is a nurse, educator and a programme writer for health and wellbeing in school education. Her daughter Molly brings a youth voice and perspective to the guide.
Photo: ROSEMARY MORRIS
Molly says the book covers a range of subjects including vaping, mental health, body image, cyber safety, sexuality, puberty and having respectful relationships.
“And then I think what's sets our book apart a little bit is that we talk about sort of the more global topics … [for example] what's the difference between equity and equality, climate change, feminism.”
Robyn tells Kathryn Ryan that some parents feel ill-equipped to handle the issues facing today’s teens.
“[Youth are] asking, believe it or not, that parents and whānau are actually up to speed with these topics. They're needing the support.
“They don't need us overwhelmed and scared because of these topics that we feel we're not familiar with. They do need us informed.”
Their book includes some conversation starters, activity ideas and tips – one of which suggests parents use every teachable opportunity.
“So if you're driving along in the car and you see a big billboard, and you recognise something that is really sort of amplifying a stereotypical image, which is damaging and harmful, then you might in a fun way just kind of get your teen and say, hey, look at that over there, what's that even advertising do you think?”
Being open-ended gives teens a safe space to lay out their own thoughts and worries without feeling judged, Robyn says.
“If you can hold a safe space and try not to fill it with what you think you might want to say, then your teen is much more inclined to actually eventually start filling that space themselves, and you'll hear from them as to where their concerns are.
“We're talking about, as you said, not just social media and body image, but how much exposure they have online and how safe that is in terms of what they're seeing online, and it may be inappropriate images for their brain development at this time and if they're not getting that counter messaging from parents, then that can turn into a big problem.”
Molly remembers the time her mother used to delve deeper while driving her to school or dance class.
“There was no pressure for eye contact, no judgment, it was a really safe space, but there was also no escape and so I couldn't storm off to my room and we had to really sort of engage.
“Even now I find myself driving home from work and I'm on speakerphone to mum just venting about my day.”
One common mistake is when parents want to problem solve right away, Molly says.
“I think a part of building that resiliency and that emotional intelligence is about sort of helping your teen to figure it out on their own.”
As uncomfortable as it might be for some parents to talk about things like consent with their teens, Robyn says it’s imperative we do.
“We do have those kind of conversations laid out in a role play format in the book, where you can really go through what consent means and what consent doesn't mean with your teen, but if you're a parent that would find that a little bit more difficult than we have some other ideas as well.”
For example, Robyn suggests that after watching a movie together or listening to music, you can quiz teens about what they thought of a particular scene or lyrics that highlighted harmful stereotypes on consent or alternatively good examples of it.
“If we can encourage our teens to really unpick some of that information, I think moving forward we'll have some better outcomes because, as we know, the statistics around sexual violence and around dating violence are pretty horrific.”
If you find discussions on identity and diversity are becoming confronting, set aside those big emotions for consultation with another adult instead, Robyn says.
“Give your young person the space that they need to speak … so that your teen knows that you love them and that you accept them for who they are and that you're informed in this space or you're going to be.”
