Kiwis are too shy – and ashamed – to talk honestly to friends and family about money, financial expert Simran Kaur says.
Photo: Towfiqu Barbhuiya for Unsplash
Kaur, co-host of the Girls That Invest podcast, told Kathryn Ryan that the current high cost of living is affecting relationships as people don’t know how to say ‘I can’t afford that’.
“It’s getting a little bit more uncomfortable to start saying, ‘look, I actually can't come on this holiday, I can't come to your baby shower, I can't come to join the wedding. I've got to worry about my finances a little bit more. We’re starting to wonder how to have those tougher conversations.”
Don’t assume that you know someone else’s financial situation
“Something I'm trying to practice myself is being very mindful that I don't actually know what the other person's budget is. If we're going out with a group of friends, and we're eating dinner… You don't want to assume that everyone's comfortable splitting the bill.”
Simran Kaur Photo: Supplied
Kaur suggests front-footing it by agreeing how to split the bill at the start, rather than having an awkward moment when it comes to pay.
“Make it a little bit easier so that the other person doesn't have to feel awkward and say, ‘well, excuse me. I only had a side dish. I don't really want to split it [the bill] three ways.”
People won’t mind if you’re honest and upfront, Kaur says.
“They’re your friends. They're not going to think it's weird or that you’re being stingy or awkward. Just remind yourself that they're your friends because of who you are, they want you to have dinner with you because of who you are not because of the salary that you bring in.”
Understand how cultural differences impact money
“There's a bit of an assumption that we sometimes have that everyone has the same financial burdens, or everyone looks at money the same way,” Kaur says.
“Especially within certain Asian communities or Pacific communities, you'll find a lot of people in their 20s and 30s, who don't just have the responsibility of dependents that are younger than them like their children, but also often times these people have dependents that are older than them. They often will be paying or chipping into their parents mortgage or chipping into their retirement funds. Sometimes we don't see what's going on behind the scenes.
“I have people in my lives that are doctors… we'd assume doctors earn really well but most people don't know that they also then pay for most of their family's needs because they're the primary breadwinner amongst all their siblings. Just being mindful of cultural contexts can go a long way.”
Be honest about your financial situation
Shame often stops people from being honest about their finances, Kaur says.
“When we talk about mental health or relationship problems, we don’t feel as much shame around those concepts as when we talk about our financial wellbeing. I really want to challenge that. Why do we make it our own fault for not having enough money… there's so many factors that contribute to why you might not be able to go out and spend time with your friends or do things. Removing shame from your financial situation is going to be the first step to eventually reaching out to your friends and family.”
We often worry more about what people will think about our financial goals or status than they really do, she says.
“I think it's our own fears of what they're going to say or how they're going to reject us. And that stops us from speaking up.”
Think about others before you suggest splashing the cash
If money’s not an issue for you, it’s still important to think about how it affects others, Kaur says.
“Do you think, if you are the friend that is able to weather more of the cost, should we be piping up more and saying ‘let me grab dinner’ or ‘let me buy these tickets to the concert that we're going to’? Or should we be more mindful… can we find ways to still do the things we want to do but be more mindful that New Zealand to some degree is growing much further apart in our wealth gap?"
This discussion is of a general nature, and does not constitute financial advice.
