Photo: Artem Podrez
The social aspect of school can be a minefield for some kids.
Parents and caregivers can help them navigate the fickle world of friendship by asking questions that aren't the "nervous" kind, says Life Education Trust educator Ingrid Kemp.
"Be really careful that you're not asking questions like 'Were those people nice to you today?' if there has been a friendship issue. That's just gonna feed it and then they'll look for even a little smidgen of a thing to report back to you: 'No, they were unkind to me today'. Everybody can be unkind at times but we don't want to focus on that."
"Nervous" questions such as 'How was your day? Okay?' or 'Did you have somebody to play with today?' can ignite insecurity or anxiety in a child who may then think they're expected to have somebody to play with every day, Kemp tells Kathryn Ryan.
More helpful things to ask, which foster a sense of security, would be: 'What was the best part of your day? What was interesting about your day? Does anything stand out from your day? Did you do something different that you've never done before?'
If your child comes home upset about something that happened at school, it's important to first "get down to their level" and tell them it's okay to have big feelings and emotions, Kemp says.
"[Say, for example] 'I can see you're a little bit frustrated with something – would you like to tell me why? What made you feel this way? It's okay to feel this way and what can we do about it?"
Conscious breathing is a great way adults can help children regulate their emotions, she says: "Let's take some big long, slow, deep breaths and calm down, and then we can talk about [your feelings]."
If a child tells you that they have no friends, start exploring with them the idea of friendship itself.
"[Say, for example] 'What type of friends do I want so what type of friend do I need to be in order to attract that type of friend? What type of thing do you look for in a friend? What kind of things do you like to do with a friend?"
To help a child develop their own understanding of friendship, Kemp says it's really important to talk with them often about how we can recognise what is and isn't friendly - including how people behave on TV or online.
"Talk about what you see, what type of words people use, how they treat other people, Even a subtle [unfriendly] look can have a huge impact on a person. It's constantly picking up on these [moments] and having these endless conversations with your whānau. I think it's really important.
"One unkind sentence can have a massive impact on them for many years to come so they need to have really good, healthy self-esteem."
Fostering resilience in a child – and instilling in them a sense of self-worth – is a process that you can't start too early, Kemp says.
"If somebody is mean and horrible to us and they walk away I still have to remind myself that I'm okay and I'm loved and I'm enough.
"Let's face it, we are going to have hard times, there are going to be people who will be mean to us, but we need to be able to rise above that and go you know what? I've got this and I'm okay."
Repeating positive affirmations every morning and doing a little gratitude practice every night can help orient a child's brain towards positive thoughts, she says.
"What we focus on the most we're going to get more of. If we're focusing on 'I'm beautiful, I'm kind' your brain will [tune in like a] radio and look for that same frequency, more ways to tell you that you are enough and you are okay, you've got this.
"But if we focus on the negative, then our brain is looking for more reasons to tell us 'No one likes me, no one wants to be my friend' ... A healthy mindset leads them to [feeling] strong enough to stand up to things like peer pressure. If we don't feel great about ourselves we're more likely to fall into the peer pressure."
