Ruby Tui Photo: Nic Staveley
A visit to the male-dominated rugby memoir section of a bookstore was what convinced New Zealand rugby star Ruby Tui to share her personal story.
"I remember just standing in the bookshop and I was tearing up. I was like 'this isn't even about me, man. I gotta do this. If I want a women's rugby bio to be on the shelf and I've got all these publishers breathing down my neck who am I to bloody not do this?
"It was extremely hard, it was one of the hardest things I've done, but at the same time that decision was made in that bookshop that day - quick as, easy as."
Ruby talks to Susie Ferguson about her candid new memoir Straight Up.
One of the many personal details Ruby wasn't sure about including in Straight Up, she tells Susie Ferguson, is that by the time she was four she didn't want her mother and father to be together.
"In order for my parents to be safe and for me to be safe I wanted them to be apart ... I wanted them to be apart so I could love them.
"I think it's beautiful when [a couple stays together] because you have children and you make a conscious effort to change your habits. I just disliked the fact my parents were going to stay together because of me and not change anything. I think that's the mistake that can be made there … If you're going to stay together for kids it's gotta come with some acknowledgement and responsibility to change and be better with communication or whatever it has to be."
Growing up, Ruby felt simultaneously a "bit brown' for her mother's Pakeha family and "a bit white" for her father's Samoan family. She now realises the sense of belonging is an inside job.
"Luckily I've grown up and I've realised it's not that I don't belong anywhere. I have a bit of an advantage as far as empathy is concerned and I can actually fit in anywhere because of that … it turned out to be a massively positive [lesson]."
Photo: Supplied
As a child, Ruby was exposed to a lot of drug and alcohol abuse and later had a period of "chaotic lubrication" herself.
"Luckily I didn't get addicted to anything I had and I saw the worst of the worst so, to be honest, it was a massive deterrent for me.
"I learnt pretty quick I didn't want to waste any opportunities because of alcohol, and I just saw how these adults, they'd just have a couple of drinks and everything was different."
As a child, Ruby witnessed a female friend of her father's die of an overdose in their home.
"Her last breath really stayed with me … and I'll probably never forget that was her last breath. And we were there, you know.
"I guess in one long night of tossing up between do we call help, are we loyal to the friend, how do we help dad, I'm scared… all those emotions and perspectives [combined] in one harrowing experience."
In Straight Up, Ruby writes about finally releasing the shame she carried for years after that night.
"Things happen in your life and unfortunately they can shape you in negative ways. I became very fearful, I was holding it within me. I actually, in my little kid brain, thought that if I was around drugs or the white powder that I was responsible for killing people because of what I'd seen.
"I had this internal guilt, I couldn't talk to anyone about it. I had no safe spaces at that time so it ate away. But after talking about, accepting it and releasing that guilt and shame [I realised that] sometimes these things happen.
"It left no what-ifs about it. If you don't get on top of your drug problem, this is what happens. It's a bad road."
Ruby says she was freed up when she eventually came to understand that the difficult events of her childhood were not her fault.
"What happens to us, especially what happens to us as children, doesn't need to define who we are as adults. And it's never too late to look into these things that happened to us.
"It's never too late to forgive ourselves. I had to forgive myself because I thought I was killing people, and I wasn't.
"We're all human and we all have our dark stuff and our dark times. People are so scared of the dark but without those times you can't appreciate the light. You learn things at rock bottom that you'll never learn on mountaintops."
The day Ruby's mother finally left her father was a bright one.
"There's nothing as inspiring as seeing your mum get out of a bad relationship and organise and reach out and get help. It just makes me feel like I can do anything.
"From that day on, my mum was safe and my mum would smile and walk a bit taller. Man, I'm so proud of my mum."
Ruby Tui Photo: Photosport
When Ruby was a young girl, netball was the only sport she saw New Zealand women playing on TV.
Yet for her, the egg-shaped ball was "a real conundrum" and the scene too competitive.
By contrast, when Ruby first turned up at a rugby club, she immediately felt valued.
"When you rocked up to a women's [rugby] club thing, it didn't matter your size, it didn't matter where you came from, didn't matter who you were - you were another number for their team."
Ruby says she's still "searching in her soul" for a way to give back to the sport that gave her purpose.
"I guess that's why I committed so hard to rugby because I was like where these people end up is really cool places. I was like 'maybe if I just follow this path it'll be different to that path that I'd seen.'
"People are always asking me why are you guys so hard out at training? When I'm in a team I'm all in. I cannot play in a team where I don't want to die for my sisters next to me."
After years of playing with the Black Ferns Sevens - and winning Olympic silver, Olympic gold and 2019 World Player of the Year - Ruby realised her dream of joining the Black Ferns earlier this year.
She's excited about playing at this month's Women's Rugby World Cup and hopeful New Zealand crowds will break the world record for attendance at a women's rugby game.
Hosting the Women's Rugby World Cup is an extremely special opportunity for New Zealand, Ruby says.
"We can put on a World Cup that makes the rest of the world go 'whoa, New Zealand truly is the home of rugby'.
"We are rugby. New Zealand is rugby. So I'm all about it. Let's do something. Let's get it."
She encourages Kiwis to be aware that every time they buy a Black Ferns rugby jersey or game ticket they're helping to back our hard-working female rugby players.
"It's a direct investment in these people who just want to do good by you. I just want people to connect how significant that support is."
Watch a TVNZ interview with Ruby Tui:
