Lauren Anne Dickason in the High Court at Christchurch on 17 July 2023. Photo: Pool / NZME / George Heard
Warning: This story contains distressing content.
The High Court in Christchurch has heard what was going through Lauren Dickason's mind in the lead-up to killing her children.
Dickason is on trial for the murder of her three young daughters - Maya, Karla and Liané - in Timaru, September 2021. She has pleaded not guilty, pleading insanity and infanticide.
Forensic psychiatrist Dr Susan Hatters-Friedman met with Dickason four times this year ahead of the trial. On Thursday, she said Dickason told her everything started going downhill from July 2021 when she thought of harming her children.
"She further said that she was feeling she was not coping anymore. Graham (her husband) asked whether she needed to see the psychiatrist again and asked if she could promise not to hurt them. And she promised," Hatters-Friedman told the court.
"She described having 'a feeling but no plan'."
Hatters-Friedman said Dickason told her husband she was very scared by an image that had flashed into her head.
"She said that 'everything was unravelling'. She said that Graham told her that if anyone could hear her, they would lock her up and she would never see the girls again."
Dickason was isolating with her family in South Africa, ahead of their flight to New Zealand, when she had another vision, Hatters-Friedman said.
"She said that an image came into her head that this is another way that children could get hurt and she was shocked at that thought.
"She did not tell Graham about this thought because she was scared of his reaction previously."
On the day Dickason killed her daughters, the gravity of the move to New Zealand had hit home. She told Hatters-Friedman she was by herself for the first time in months and felt hopeless and alone, staring at the ceiling for hours.
"She explained that New Zealand was not at all what she had envisioned. She had no help at the airport when struggling, she felt there was 'chaos' with school and housing and 'total culture shock'.
"She said that the kids had regressed and that she had no time alone with Graham. She noted that all of her support structures were gone."
Graham and Lauren Dickason with their children. Photo: Supplied
It all came to a head that night, Dickason told the psychiatrist.
"'I'm just so tired, scared for the children that we'd made a big mistake. I can't do another day of this', was what she was thinking," Hatters-Friedman said.
"She said Liané was asking what they were going to do for her birthday and she thought, 'I just can't do this one more day, I just want this to end'."
Dickason believed she was the worst wife and mother and her children "would be better off in heaven", she said.
"She 'loved them so much that I couldn't leave them behind if I was going to leave this world'. She said that she had 'lost all track of good and bad' by that time," Hatters-Friedman said.
The court also heard how Dickason did not consider the consequences of her actions because she did not expect to live.
Hatters-Friedman also spoke with Graham Dickason this year. He clearly remembered his wife bringing up thoughts of harming their children, she said.
"He asked her if she was actually considering doing something or was just anxious, and she told him that she was just severely anxious. He opined, 'I will regret that for the rest of my life'."
Lauren Dickason had already been seeing a psychiatrist prior to her mental health decline. The couple discussed sending her to a mental health facility in the weeks before emigrating, but never acted on it.
Hatters-Friedman said Dickason believed she could not go "because it would mess up emigrating to New Zealand".
The court has previously heard Dickason had suffered from depressive episodes for more than a decade, particularly during a long IVF process, and in the months after having her children.
She also struggled with anxiety, which grew in the lead up to the family's emigration.
On Friday, the court was expected to hear more about Lauren Dickason's mental state while she was in police custody.
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