Danni Duncan and her husband Alex. Photo: Danni Duncan
Danni Duncan is a 34-year-old living in Ōtautahi who has chosen to not have children.
She has hundreds of thousands of people following her child-free journey on social media, where she provides advice and support to others who are thinking about making the same decision.
But in her quest to open up conversations about not having children, Duncan has received threats and vitriol for her position, she told RNZ's Nights.
"When you reach your 30s as a woman, a lot of people start asking you more than before when you're going to have kids. I even had a doctor tell me that my time was running out, it was very inappropriate."
Duncan said she thought would have children one day but was on the fence about it for two years.
"I never had the desire that other people speak of, but I just thought that's what you do.
"Within the last year I have, I have come to a conclusion that 'no, I don't want to have kids'."
She said it took many conversations with her husband for both to be on the same page.
Her reasons
She said having children was expensive and finances were a big part of the decision.
"My husband and I are about to buy a house, and our mortgage going to be pretty big. I cannot see how we would do that and have a child. I know people do. I just personally don't see how we would do that."
The other reason was her independence.
"The biggest thing for me is my independence. I'm an independent person and I like being on my own, which is a little ironic because people like to tell me I'm going to be so lonely if I don't have kids."
The sacrifice.
"I know that to be a mum I would have to sacrifice a lot. I see a lot of mums do that and I have so much respect for them, but I don't want to. I have so many things that I love about my life that I don't want to change."
Drastic life change.
"I'm just very aware that life would change a lot if I was to have children, and I know some people might say that's selfish, but I just think I know myself really well. I'm very aware of my personality and the things that I want out of life."
She said some people chose not to have children for many different reasons, and it was often them not being able to provide the child their best which could hold them back.
"I don't think that anyone who's choosing it is doing it for selfish reasons."
People's reactions
The feedback on social media was huge - it was half positive, and half negative.
Some people were incredibly supportive and thanked her for talking about it, she said.
The other half were quite judgmental and just really misunderstood her.
"In my personal life however, I think it took a while for people to kind of get their heads around it, but overwhelmingly I've had a lot of support from my friends and family, which is a relief because I know that a lot of people don't experience it."
Duncan said some friends misunderstood her view. "It was just 'what's wrong with mums, and what's wrong with hanging out with us?'"
"I wasn't saying I don't want mum friends. I was just saying I want other friends that are in a similar life stage to me.
"I think over the last couple of years I've really had to learn that people's reactions has actually got nothing to do with me and my choice. It's their own thing that they're dealing with."
She said she had three nieces and a nephew whom she adored.
Some people have told her she would "never know true love" if she did not have children.
But she looked at it from a different perspective - "They want me to experience the joy and the fulfilment that they've felt, and they only know one way of doing that."
And the ignorant comments were not said with malice, she said.
"People have chosen not to have children for generations. However, I think this is one of the first generations where we are being quite vocal about that," she said, and so the pushback made sense.
Who pushes back more - men or women?
She said men had a lot more say in her comments than women.
"Men just say the weirdest things. I've been told I'm going to be eaten by my cats when I die.
"I think women ... I can tell that the comments come from a place of not feeling seen or not feeling appreciated, or potentially they did sacrifice a lot and they haven't quite kept some of the things that they wish they could have.
"I have a lot more empathy for the women. As women often you just cannot win no matter what choice you make."
She said much of society equated women with bearing children, and her views made her a metaphorical punching bag online.
"I'm used to it. I've been to therapy and learned how to deal with the negative comments, so I don't mind putting myself out there."
Meeting like-minded people, growing a community
Putting herself on social media had connected her with people who were choosing a similar life path.
"If I hadn't talked about it, I would still be doing this on my own. There is nobody else in my personal life that's choosing not to have children.
"So social media as much as it can be detrimental sometimes, it can be a really positive thing, and that's what I'm trying to focus on."
