Flip Grater Photo: Supplied
Getting married was the easiest thing in the world, while separation is the opposite in every way, says Flip Grater.
The singer-songwriter, author, activist and chef based in Ōtautahi Christchurch has written about the social politics around separating from your spouse and untangling all that awkwardness in The Press.
She wrote the article as a form of catharsis, she told RNZ's Afternoons.
"As a way of distilling and processing what can be a cacophony in the mind, and when there are a lot of thoughts and feelings going on, it can be really helpful to just try to distill that into the written word," she said.
Bumping into people she knew post break-up was a source of awkwardness, she said.
"People in our lives, they ask in a really well-meaning way after our spouses, and in that moment, we have to choose whether we say, 'Oh, actually, we've separated', and then field whatever comes next, or to say 'good thanks.' And how I just kept saying 'good thanks' to people for a really long time, and then realised it's kind of weird that nobody knows that I'm separated."
Awkward as it may be, honest conversations are an important way of processing difficult events in our lives, she said.
"People don't know what to say and they don't know how to respond either, and that's not what we need in hard times, we need to gather, we need to communicate, and we need to show up for one another."
We tend not to be good at "uncomfortable conversations", she said.
"I think these things end up as accidental secrets, because whenever we're going through something difficult or doing any sort of major emotional mahi, we're tired, right?
"We get exhausted, and so talking about it with the wrong people or with too many people, it can be draining and even potentially harmful when you're in the thick of it."
On the other side of the coin we are adept at life's celebrations, Grater said.
"You're engaged, congratulations. You're married, congratulations. And the reality is that these things can be wonderful and legitimate causes for joy, but they can also be hard things in their own right and can be causes of unhappiness and entrapment.
"I think all of these things are actually really nuanced, and we lack language and ceremony around when things end or things change in dramatic ways. It's sort of a taboo, and it's and because we're so uncomfortable with discomfort and so avoidant of it that makes it harder to show up for people, and then it means that in society, we sort of live some bits out loud and with others, and some bits quietly and alone."
