Photo: 123rf.com
Kimberlee Sweeney and Kelly Sutton both separated from their husbands in January - Sweeney in 2011 and Sutton in 2013. For better or worse, they eked out one last Christmas for the sake of their kids and extended family with whom they already had holiday plans.
Inspired by their own experiences of hardship and freedom from dud relationships, Sweeney and Sutton both became divorce coaches. And they swear January is their busiest time of year.
"I've been a divorce coach for nine years and I've learned to work most of January because that's when I do get a lot of new clients that keep me busy for the first half of the year," said Sweeney, from the Auckland-based Degrees of Separation.
Not only are they getting new clients, but they are busy supporting existing clients who decided to do one more Christmas before actioning their marriage separation. Some have not told their partners, while others have. Either way, it can be an emotional and stressful rollercoaster holding a family together that will soon be broken.
Divorce coach Kelly Sutton. Photo: TABITHA ARTHUR PHOTOGRAPHY
"I do a little bit of strategy and planning around that one for them individually to help regulate their emotions and help them breathe through," said the Wellington-based Sutton from SOS Success.
"I take a lot of phone calls during that time - Christmas and New Year's - just to help people."
In some cases, Sutton helps clients do a "reality check" when they are caught up in the inflated joys of Christmas and believe for a hot second that their marriage isn't on the rocks. (If you're wondering what a divorce coach does, they offer emotional and practical support but not legal advice).
The first Monday in January is globally known in the legal and divorce support industries as "Divorce Monday". However, other than the anecdotal evidence of busy divorce coaches, it's hard to prove that more couples are pulling the pin in January.
Family lawyers are often closed until mid-January so a rash of calls from separating couples when firms reopen could be just a backlog, said Lance Pratley, a Wellington-based barrister and solicitor who specialises in family law.
Stats NZ doesn't break down divorce statistics by month. And even if it did, the data might not paint an accurate picture of when couples separate, which must happen at least two years before a Dissolution Order can be filed with the courts to end the marriage.
Couples might draw up an agreement with a lawyer when they separate to nut out the division of assets and custody of children. However, no formal paperwork is filed with the courts for this phase thus no data trail.
Google search results on divorce for the last five years. Photo: Google
For the past five years, New Zealanders searching divorce on Google is never at its lowest and rarely at its highest in January. There was a major peak in January of 2021, the middle of our Covid woes, but other big peaks occurred at random times throughout the year. However, divorce googling appears to be heading for a decent peak this January.
"2024 was a really tough, hard year. There's a lot more high emotions going on. There are a lot more high-conflict separations going on. People are forced to live with each other because they can't sell their houses," said Sutton, who noticed an increase in people separating in December last year rather than waiting out the holidays.
"People are losing their jobs especially in Wellington and in the public sector, and there's just a lot going on. They're really crumbling, and they really need a lot of time out."
Divorce coach Kimberlee Sweeney. Photo: supplied
For most couples, separation comes after months or even years of consideration. Sweeney knew her marriage was over 18 months before her January 2011 separation.
"I didn't want to ruin the extended family Christmas so I miserably pushed through the holidays, the Christmas...
"I had my sister-in-law coming up to me saying 'You're not happy. What's going on?' It was quite obvious even though I was pretending to be okay."
Her husband at the time knew the marriage wasn't doing well and they had been in couples therapy. However, Sweeney's January announcement was still a shock for him. Their daughter was two at the time.
"It doesn't feel right, eh? You kinda do feel like you're not living in your truth."
Sutton and her former husband were on struggle street the year leading up to their separation. By 1 January, she knew it was time to end it. They had three kids - five, eight and nine-years-old at the time.
"It was like 'we can't go on. It's done'.
"And then it was like 'oh well, we've got to tell the kids' and we did it really badly. We did it really, really badly. No script. No nothing. We did it really badly and our kids tell us that now."
The day before they told the kids, Sutton's son and her former husband argued during a tennis match. Her son internally attributed the divorce to the argument, blaming himself. He didn't play tennis for years.
She now advises clients with kids to consider how the children might view their parent's divorce five or 10 years from now.
"How do you want them to view this time? And what do you want them to remember?
"There's quite a bit of work that goes into this area. A lot of people will put off telling [the kids]. They'll put a lot of things in place so they can answer their kids' questions."
These questions will likely be about where they will live? Will the family home be sold? Will they go to a new school? How will co-parenting work?
Despite a miserable last Christmas as a family, Sweeney doesn't regret pushing through until January and creating a beautiful memory with her then-two-year-old daughter.
"I think if I'd left before Christmas, it would have been a really sad, lonely Christmas.
"Even though it's your decision to leave, when you are the initiator of ending a relationship, it's still a really difficult decision, especially when you've got children involved.
"The first Christmas, the first Mother's Day, all those firsts are very lonely and very sad."
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