By Kellie Scott, ABC Lifestyle
Parents who promote a sense of adventure around a relocation can reinforce it as an opportunity for their children, experts say. (file image) Photo: 123RF / Igor Mojzes
A big move can be an adjustment for everyone in the family, particularly children, who may struggle to express how they are feeling.
"We know that young children [especially] can find it more difficult to verbalise their feelings about a move, and for that reason it can be harder to gauge how it is really impacting them," says Sara Quinn, a clinical psychologist and president of the Australian Psychological Society.
For families who move often, such as those with members in the defence or emergency services, there can be a cumulative effect that takes an even greater toll.
Helping children prepare can minimise the potential for feelings of stress and resentment, Quinn says, and allow resilience and self-confidence to grow.
How a move can impact children
Understanding place attachment can help us see why moving can be especially tricky for kids, Quinn says.
"Place attachment is the strong emotional bond with a place, particularly if that place is where we feel is home, and is associated with a sense of safety, family and the positive experience of growing up.
"When we are younger, that connection with place and home can be hard to distinguish from the bigger picture of how we feel and attachment to family and other [significant] relationships."
Quinn says when relocating, kids may experience any number of physical, emotional and social responses.
She says they may grieve friendships and other comforts or familiarities, such as extracurricular activities they were involved in, which can lead to feelings of resentment, sadness, and anger.
Younger children might regress in toilet training or feeding, for example. Children of any age may experience disruption to sleep and routine, Quinn says.
Marg Rogers is a senior lecturer in early childhood at the University of New England and a research fellow with the Manna Institute, which works to improve mental health and wellbeing in rural, regional and remote Australia.
She says common concerns from parents include a change in education for their child, whether it be early learning or school.
And often that is where children will show signs they are struggling, Rogers says.
"They start sometimes acting out in school because they don't understand what is happening.
"They might act out behaviourally or sometimes they withdraw."
She says children are the "barometer for the whole family", and that is true when changes like a relocation are happening.
"Even a baby knows when there is chaos."
Cumulative effect for families who move a lot
Frequent moves such as those experienced by families in the Australian Defence Force mean children are having to repeatedly re-establish themselves, Rogers says.
"That can really impact children and the rest of the family. Research shows cumulative moves mean children are less and less able to make friends - they really struggle in that area.
"It can also impact their health and mental wellbeing because often they are shuffling between one waiting list and the next [for screening and support services], especially moving in and out of regional, rural and remote areas."
She says locals may also be reluctant to establish relationships with defence families, knowing they will only be there for a short time.
"Moving every 18 months to two years is a bit like a pressure cooker, and you're turning up the heat one dial at a time, and [over time] there becomes a lot more likelihood for explosions."
The positives of a move
Helping children get excited about a move, such as by showing them pictures of the location, can help them transition, experts say.(file image) Photo: 123RF
But it is not all bad news, Quinn says. Big life changes create opportunities for kids to build resilience and self-confidence, and improve interpersonal skills.
"Parents who model a [positive] approach to change and stress, and invigorate this sense of adventure and shared experience as a family, can reinforce this as an opportunity as well," she says.
Quinn says exposing children to different ways of living and cultural environments, and showing them they can feel at home anywhere with the right support network, has long-term advantages.
Rogers says relocation can bring families closer together and encourage children to become more self-reliant.
"They become a little bit more independent, and often as adults ... if they have done a lot of moves, they don't baulk at taking an overseas job or taking a job over the other side of the country.
"They realise they can do it."
How to help prepare your child
Look forward to the move
Rogers suggests parents look at the new community online with their children, showing them maps and photos of interesting things they can do such as river walks or playgrounds.
"Get photographs from the internet or even contact their new education services and get them to send through pictures and information about extracurricular activities."
Prepare through storytelling
Rogers, whose research focuses on ways to support the wellbeing of defence, veteran, and first-responder families, has created free and downloadable PowerPoint books that can help children understand what a move will be like so they "are not walking into the unknown".
You can also create your own stories.
Talk about how they are feeling
While it might be tempting to avoid talking about the move if it upsets your child, Quinn says helping the child understand what to expect is beneficial.
"We want to provide space for children to be able to talk about their thoughts and feelings - and it's important we don't rush into fix-it mode," she says.
That means making sure kids know it's okay to feel their emotions, Quinn says, and that talking about it can help them feel more comfortable.
"That means we are more likely to know how they are coping."
For younger children, engaging in play may help them express those emotions.
Farewelling loved ones
"We often hear making the opportunity to farewell friends and family, either through a big social event or one-on-one visits [can help]," Quinn says.
"Even scheduling some contact for when they do move."
If your child isn't adjusting
Knowing what challenges are normal during a transition, versus signs a child is having more difficulty than would be expected, will help parents provide the best support, Quinn says.
"There's a normal period where that adjustment is difficult, and parents need to be able to model that it's hard and that's okay."
She says to keep an eye out when "issues persist", such as children not getting back into activities they enjoyed before the move.
Parents should talk to their children about what they are feeling and need, Quinn says, and if they need further support, talk to a GP or access the child's school psychologist.
- ABC
