Motivational speaker and author Mel Robbins. Photo: Jenny Sherman Photography
Her self-help books and podcasts have helped thousands of people improve their mindset, but two years ago Mel Robbins realised something was standing in the way of her own happiness - trying to force others to change.
Now living by her own 'let them' theory, Robbins sees how a "relentless need for control" makes life harder.
"I'd cross the line and try to force the other person to do what I wanted them to do so that I didn't feel worried or upset, or whatever. I pressured, I recommended, I pushed… I thought everything was a competition - that other people winning was my loss."
Robbins' 'let them' theory - which she first shared on social media in 2023 - was inspired by some advice given by her middle daughter Sawyer.
After watching Robbins "micromanage" her younger brother Oakley's high school prom preparation, Sawyer grabbed her mother's arm.
"She said, 'Let them do what they want to do. Let him ruin his tennis shoes. Let them go out in the rain, let them dance all night with tuxedos. Let her ruin her dress. Let her not have a corsage. Mum, it's their prom, not yours. Let them do what they want.'
"I think it was the cascading 'let thems' combined with her fingernails in the bicep of my arm where it just hit me - why do I care about this?
"I started to notice that any time I was annoyed or frustrated or hurt or upset or judgey, or I just was bothered, it was almost always by other people - traffic, slow walkers, people not doing what I thought they should be doing…
"[The 'let them' theory] helps you - in a nanosecond - identify what's in your control and what's not and where true power lies. And it's always in your response."
Five months after Robbins first posted about 'let them' on social media, her daughter Kendall analysed thousands of emails and social media comments to see how the theory was working out for people.
When she reported to her mother that many were left "feeling a little lonely", Robbins realised the concept needed a second step - and came up with 'let me'.
"That's where you remind yourself that you always have power because you're in control of what you think and also in control of how you respond to your feelings."
In her book The Let Them Theory, Robbins doesn't encourage people to "break up" with disappointing friends, but does offer a perspective to consider when a friendship naturally starts to fade.
This usually happens when the three "pillars" of friendship - proximity, timing and energy - have weakened over time, she says, and it doesn't have to be a sad thing.
"Just because somebody's not in your life right now doesn't mean you have to be against them. You're going to grow and they're going to grow. You're going to change and they're going to change. It's beautiful when you keep the door open for that to happen.
"I believe some of the most favourite people of your life are actually ahead of you - they're not behind you. And that's an exciting thing to think about."
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While we can't change another person's behaviour, Robbins says we can positively influence it with careful use of a tool she calls the ABC (Apologise, Back Off, Celebrate) Loop:
A: Apologise and Ask open-ended questions
A person who's letting themselves go doesn't need to be told that, Robbins says. Asking them about their life is a more likely starting point for change.
"You've stirred up internal tension and that internal tension is what the person needs in order to find the intrinsic motivation to [change]. If the person seems discouraged that's when you say 'Well, I just wanted to know that I'm here to support you'."
B: Back the heck off (and make healthy behaviour look fun and easy)
For at least three months after Robbins recommends not bringing up the other person's concerning behaviour at all - "no eye rolls, no passive-aggressive comments, no suggestions, no nothing".
"In order for a person to change they actually have to believe it's their idea and they have to have enough distance from you in order to feel as though they're not going to get the 'I told you so'.
"Don't expect somebody to stop drinking if you're pouring a glass while you have wine while you cook dinner. Don't expect somebody else to lose weight while you're sitting there munching on the french fries and ordering takeout."
C: Celebrate anything
When a loved one orders a salad or goes out on a walk on their own it's not helpful to say, 'See, I told you that would feel good,' Robbins says.
"You're going to simply say, 'Hey, I see you trying. I'm really proud of you for putting your health first, I know it isn't easy. If there's anything I can do to offer any kind of support just say the word and you got it for me.'"
