MAFS finale: feat outlandish revelations, like that Troy kisses with his eyes open

HOLD. ME. BACK. It's the final. 

 

 

So we're six weeks after the ceremonies, and everyone is here. We've all seen the preview of what's about to happen, so let's not muck about.

We're treated to a nostalgic look back at the weddings, and reminded how beautiful and hopeful everyone looked before reality TV crushed their hearts. Jo gushes about how perfect her wedding day was, while Sean sits beside her like an old toad - has the man ever smiled? Some things will remain a mystery.

Troy and Carly have their time on the couch, so the experts can interrogate them about their intimacy. We see another kissing montage which reveals that Troy kisses with his eyes open. Like I imagine a psychopath would. 

Troy also picks Carly up a lot to kiss her. Come on. That is neither safe nor necessary. Troy says he loves Carly, but he also said that to Ash when she was being cold as ice, so at this point I can't help but think his perception of reality is a little skewed.

Ash pipes up about the dinner party, wondering why, if Carly never meant to hurt her, she went and sat on Troy's lap. I wonder why, if Carly is an adult human person, she went and sat on Troy's lap. Troy nods a lot. For no apparent reason. Like one of those little dogs you stick to the dash of your car.

Patrick and Charlene drop the news that they haven't seen each other since the experiment ended, and they explain why, but I'm pretty sure the real reason is because Charlene is still dark at Patrick's mum Ruby for mumsplaining to her that yellow and blue mixed together make green.

The boys are assessing where the nearest exits are, because they've just been told they're going to watch back the footage from Boys' Night. Dean admits that maaaybe, if you were listening from another room, and English wasn't your first language, and you were squinting a bit, some of the things he said might have been a bit 'not so great'. Dashboard Dog switches to shaking his head, as if it's still 'crazy Charlene's word against us bros'. It's like he's forgotten they are watching a literal taping of it. I have not seen this much squirming since I had to clean maggots out of the pantry of a gross flat I once lived in.

Expert Mel Schilling suggests to Dean that maybe next time he will think twice about speaking about women in such a way, and I have to wonder if Mel knows who she's talking to. I have my doubts that Dean even knows what respect means, and we all know he's the sort of person who calls women sluts and complains about the friend zone.

We get Dean, Tracey, Davina and Ryan onto the couch to watch the footage of Davina and Dean's dirty dealings. We're reminded that Ryan got a REAL PERMANENT TATTOO OF DAVINA ON HIS ACTUAL REAL BODY. Davina repeats a lot of the other bullshit we've already heard her say, but she appears to have the emotional and moral depth of a puddle, so I am just not even listening to her at this point. She does tell Ryan that she's sure he'll win a million hearts, and he replies that he 'only needs one', and honestly, if anyone out there has his phone number, and knows whether he'd be interested in a single mother from small-town New Zealand, THEN CALL ME OK?

Dean makes a very gracious speech apologising to Tracey and thanking her for all he taught her. Lovely. BUT THEN Westlife Sean reveals he found out Dean has been sexting Tracey, and Dean just looks like a snake again, BUT THEN we find out that Tracey has been SENDING DEAN RACY PICTURES and now the snake is on the other foot! If looks could kill, Dean would be in ashes for revealing that tidbit. I'm sorry about all these run on sentences, but crikey, my brain can't keep up with so many fucking plot twists.

Sarah and Telv both cry, and I cry, and they say they are going to try to make it work, but I've looked it up (because I have issues. We've established that. Move on,) and apparently they've separated. I don't want to believe it, but who can I trust if not the internet?

So that is it. My evenings now stretch before me like barren landscapes. I will sustain myself for a while longer by stalking all the contestants' Instagrams, but after that, who knows? Maybe Ryan will have called by then...