Series Classification: PG (Parental Guidance)
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In 2003, Simonne Butler survived a horrific attack at the hands of her abusive partner. The attack shocked New Zealand, and the story made national headlines. But much of the coverage focused on the perpetrator and not Simonne, the victim.
Now, after years of physical, emotional, and spiritual recovery, Simonne embarks on a journey to find hope and inspiration in stories that domestic abuse survivors share with her.
In this introductory episode, Simonne shares her story and insights into how to survive domestic abuse, what she has learnt, and what people need to know about how to curb our shocking domestic abuse statistics.
Simonne Butler Photo: Lawrence Smith / Stuff NZ Ltd.
Simonne Butler: "Know that change is possible."
Author: Lisa Metivier
Simonne Butler is a survivor. Her story is like no other; it is unique in its brutality. Her life lessons have been harsh, and her healing journey long. With courage, she has faced her demons and come to terms with her experiences, and now she wants to share her leanings with others.
In 2003, her then-partner, high on methamphetamine, attacked her with a samurai sword. Her life-threatening injuries were extensive. At the time, Simonne underwent groundbreaking marathon surgery to save her life, and since her attack, has required many years of follow-up surgical procedures.
Simonne Butler Photo: Lawrence Smith / Stuff NZ Ltd.
The attack was the brutal culmination of a shockingly abusive, five-year relationship that left deep scars on every level. Ever since, Simonne has dug deep to come to terms with how she found herself in the situation that so nearly cost her life. She has chosen to speak out about her insights from years of soul-searching. "Once I reclaimed my voice," she says, I realised I had to use it for all the others still scared into silence."
This speaking-out has taken a number of forms. She has presented to various groups within the domestic abuse sector. In 2016, she released her book Double-Edged Sword: The Simonne Butler Story. Driven by continued desire to raise awareness, she most recently stepped up to present this web series, telling her story and guiding others through theirs.
Her first message is around timing. Simonne always knew her ex-partner had "murderous intent." Though she had determined to leave the relationship prior to the attack, she thought she had more time to plan her escape. Matters were taken out of he control when she nearly bled to death and had to be flown by emergency helicopter to hospital. Her advice to anyone in an abusive relationship who has made the decision to leave is, "Formulate a very careful escape plan, and then act on it. Don't make the mistake I did and wait too long. That nearly got me killed!"
Simonne Butler Photo: Lawrence Smith / Stuff NZ Ltd.
Never liking the term "victim," or viewing herself in that light, Simonne has long-considered the part she played in that dangerous relationship. She attributes a lot of it to her lack of self-worth at the time, and really wants those in an abusive situation who may be reading this to know they are worthy of something better. "It was a two-way street. I was never responsible for the abuse perpetrated against me, but my silence and failure to remove myself from the situation was my own subconscious choice to live a life of silence. I didn't abuse myself, but, equally, I didn't value myself enough to make the changes and ask for help. I own that."
Though she chose to stay silent about the abuse she was suffering, Simonne now recognises the importance of speaking up about it, and urges anyone being impacted to do so. Her advice is to tell someone you trust what's going on behind closed doors -- or, even better, tell several people you trust. She recommends reaching out to professionals via helplines, like Women's Refuge, Shine, or the police. "We take power away from our abuser when we speak up."
Simonne stresses it shouldn't only come down to those suffering abuse to save themselves. Rather, she sees that society as a whole needs to change: "As a society, we need to move past victim-shaming and -blaming so that we can really help these people. We all need to create a society where healthy relationships are the norm. I now view domestic abuse like a sickness, a pandemic afflicting humanity. I used to be afflicted, too. There was a distortion in my idea of love and what I thought a relationship was."
With the benefit of years of personal and spiritual development, Simonne can clearly give voice to what that distortion was: "I used to think that unconditional love meant I had to continually forgive the other person. There were never any consequences in our relationship. He would abuse me and I would forgive him. I also thought that him being obsessed with me was love." She sees her concept of respect was honouring someone else's right to be themselves; she hadn't understood those rights ended when they impeded on her safety and well-being.
The highs and lows of the relationship added to the distortion. Her ex-partner was incredibly affectionate, and "love-bombed" her. She felt special. They had a lot of fun together and got on really well -- except when they didn't. Simonne mistakenly came to believe the abuse was the price she had to pay for the good times.
Fast-forward 17 years and Simonne has enjoyed nearly four years in a gentle, respect-filled relationship, and her concept of love has shifted dramatically. "I now understand love to be freedom and respect. For me, respect is the absence of abuse and degradation. It is respect for yourself, the other, and the relationship itself. Respect for myself means valuing myself. With respect now I will not degrade another, or allow that person to degrade me." She defines freedom as freeness to be herself, not live for someone else, and freeness to speak the truth without fear and reprisal.
Even with all the ground she's won, Simonne remains vigilant and doesn't take her own psychological achievements for granted. Every day, she practices what she refers to as "empowered relating," so as to not fall into old patterns of behaviour. She's developed clear boundaries in her life, and is conscious of her desire to be the "pleaser" in any situation.
These days, Simonne works as a natural healer, helping others deal with their past trauma and present challenges. She views her own past trauma as having given her a depth of understanding and compassion from which to draw upon in her continued work.
As Simonne says at the end of her book, "...because I was willing to take a good look at myself, to face my fears and own my darkness." Her strongest message to those suffering is, "Know that change is possible. You are worthy of something better."
DO YOU NEED HELP?
If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 111.
Other places to seek help:
- Women's Refuge: For women and children. 0800 733 843
- Shine: Free call 0508 744 633 domestic abuse helpline for women and men, daily 9am-11pm
- Shakti: 24 hour Crisis Line 0800 742 284 / 0800 SHAKTI
- Oranga Tamariki: 0508 326 459
- It's Not OK: 0800 456 450
- Youthline: 0800 376 633 or text free 234
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Magnetic Pictures Photo: Magnetic Pictures
Juanita Edwards and Brian Holland formed Magnetic Pictures in 2019, with a view to create original, high-quality programmes people love to watch. Their passion is factual content with a social focus.
Their recent projects include the ANZAC Day documentary Paradise Soldiers, acknowledging the contribution and sacrifice of Cook Island soldiers for the NZ Armed Forces from World War I to present day, and the web series K Road Chronicles II, exploring homelessness in Aotearoa.
Made with the support of NZ On Air Photo: NZ On Air
