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Warren’s busy tying the shoelaces of 9-year-old son Lucas’s footie boots. He’s up bright and early on a Saturday at the football ground in Brooklyn, Wellington, to cheer on Lucas and his Brooklyn Northern United Cyclones, Grade 10 team. After this it’s back home to cook up a lunchtime burgers – “Beer?” chips in Lucas, “No!” Warren laughs, “Beer?! Clearly no, a burger, not beer!”
Humour’s big in this family and Warren’s playing dad and mum today to Lucas and his 20-year-old daughter Olivia, who’s recently moved back home.
Being a single-income family, doing all the stuff that might have been done by a team of two such as putting the rubbish out, paying bills, and Saturday morning sport ... that’s what the podcast Flying Solo is all about.
Warren’s family is one of over 200,000 sole-parent families in New Zealand. The 2013 census recorded that almost 85 percent of single-parents were women, only 16 percent of sole parents are men, like Warren.
Land Information New Zealand contracts manager and ex-wife Meg, had the three eldest kids; Jacob’s 25, Georgina’s 23 and Olivia is 20. Meg and Warren split-up when the kids were at primary school, his first taste of being a solo-dad.
A decade later Warren had fourth child Lucas with ex-partner Christine. They split-up when Lucas was four and they share the care of Lucas.
In Warren’s three story modernist home in Northland, close to the capital’s CBD, cheeky banter is served up between Olivia (aka Livie) and dad as they cook their burgers. A self-contained flat downstairs serves Warren’s three elder children as they come and go.
Olivia’s recent return was for her mother Meg’s wedding, which ex-husband Warren was invited to and which turned out to be a great catch-up for all the family.
Warren has a healthy co-parenting relationship with his ex-partners, but when he first became a solo dad did he feel alone? Was it a shock to the system?
“When I was with the kids I never felt alone, it was one of the things that relieved the loneliness was to get involved with the kids, because I often wouldn’t have a partner.”
In hindsight, Olivia sees her parent’s split as a good thing. Adults who fight is worse.
“My parents divorced when I was 3 years old, I don’t think it had an impact on me at all, but it definitely had an impact on my older brother.”
Olivia’s talking about the eldest brother Jacob (aka JP) who struggles with depression.
“We didn’t know about JP’s depression until he was older,” says Warren. “He was 14, maybe 15. It was only because he told me.”
It’s often the case when parents separate that children look for answers and find them in blaming themselves. Though JP is now doing well in Melbourne, Warren fears that is what happened with his son.
“JP was the eldest and the one that was most devastated, absolutely devastated, and would often plea with both of us to – to reconcile. You know, the kids did ask themselves, I think, I’m sure, that they were somehow responsible, that they caused the fighting, and we fought over that.”
Warren says it comes down to keeping communication lines open at all times with your children. He still worries, even though JP is 25 now; you never stop being a parent.
And advice for other solo parents?
“Co-parenting can work really well. It doesn’t have to be negative. It doesn’t have to compromise your ability to be a good parent.”
“When you’re hurting and going through separation there’s a tendency to vent – in front of the kids – that can be quite detrimental to the children. In terms of advice, try to avoid saying anything nasty about your ex-partner to your children. Don’t do it.”
Creator/Producer: Lynda Chanwai-Earle
Senior Producer: Alison Ballance
Executive Producer: Tim Watkin
Flying Solo Episode Two was engineered by Daniel Beban and Phil Benge.
Where to get help:
Lifeline: 0800 543 354
Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0508 828 865 / 0508 TAUTOKO (24/7). This is a service for people who may be thinking about suicide, or those who are concerned about family or friends.
Depression Helpline: 0800 111 757 (24/7)
Parent Help: Helpline 0800 568 856
