2 Jun 2022

Online dating and sex: who's doing it safely?

From Nine To Noon, 9:05 am on 2 June 2022

People over 50 are "dating dangerously" while those under 30 are frequently having rough sex, according to a new study of New Zealanders' online dating behaviour.

Photo: Anna Shvet / Pexels

"The over-50s seem to feel, apparently, quite bulletproof when it comes to meeting up with someone from [a dating] app. Just 12 percent have felt unsafe on a first date compared to around 30 percent of the under-30s. And this is despite the over 50s being far more likely to have gone on a date with somebody who turned out to have used a false name or outdated photos or have lied about their age on their dating profiles." - Tania Domett, research director of Project Gender who conducted the Aotearoa Online Sex and Dating Survey.

Tania Domett Photo: Project Gender

Earlier this year, Project Gender put a call out on social media for people aged 18 and over who'd used a dating app in the past year.

823 people responded – a good spread of genders and orientations, Domett adds – and completed a survey about their own experience.

The survey results revealed a clear age divide when it comes to safety and sex.

People over 50 seemed to be less cautious, even reckless, she says. They are much more likely than the under-30s to send intimate pictures and less likely to tell someone else where they're going when they go on a date.

"On the upside, they're less pressured than the under-30s to do something sexual that they're not comfortable with and they're enjoying the sex they're having to a greater extent, as well."

Young people's behaviour is more concerning when it comes to how they're having sex, Domett says.

Just over half of survey respondents under 30 had consented to choking and strangulation during sex and just under half of those had experienced at least one of those without their consent.

Pornography can't be the only cause of the rise of rough sex but the data shows it's always men doing it to women.

"I do think there is a link to porn, obviously. Many people are enacting what they see online, in real life.'

The normalisation of rough sex amongst younger people is a really troubling issue as is the lack of caution exercised by those in midlife.

"There's probably the need for a national campaign of awareness of STI infection aimed at the over-50s, just for a starter."

Terryann Clark, Associate Professor at the University of Auckland

Dr Terryann Clark Photo: Community Research

It's alarming that people in midlife are risking their safety vi, says Auckland University health researcher Dr Terryann Clark.

Communicating boundaries takes confidence and also skills that few of us, young or old, have been taught, she says.

"How do you have those conversations about what you're willing to do and not willing to do? Nobody really teaches us how to do that. And I think for a lot of the group 50 and over… they might have been in long-term relationships and they don't know how to negotiate the online world…

"I think what happens a lot of the time is people kind of go along with it until something gets uncomfortable."

We need to somehow ensure all New Zealanders are safe when they meet someone from a dating app, Clark says, and that they expect to have their rights and preferences acknowledged for the duration of a date, including during sex when sex is involved.

"I think there are some fundamental issues around consent and how we teach this as a fundamental part of growing up... This is something we should be teaching right upfront."