If you're giving your child a phone or other device, prepare to talk to them often about sex on the internet says Auckland sex therapist Jo Robertson. Photo: Google images
When is the right time to talk to children about depictions of sex on the internet?
Early and often, says Auckland sex therapist and porn researcher Jo Robertson.
"Do not rely on a filter, have a conversation. Do it earlier than you think and it needs to be more than once," she tells Kathryn Ryan of Nine to Noon.
Robertson has chosen to talk to her kids about online porn from the age of 10 but says kids who get independent access to a device earlier than that will need to be part of a conversation earlier, too.
"When you introduce a smartphone, I think that's a real privilege. And that has to come with the responsibility of having conversations.
"The responsibility not only sits with [their] behaviour, but also 'if I give you this thing, you have to sit with me and talk about that'. Just like if you drive a car, you have to sit with me and talk about how to drive that car properly. I think that's the approach we need to take.
"Driving a car is a really risky thing and having a phone is a really risky thing. We can be threatened. We can be bullied, we can bully others, we can be traumatised. There's so much that can happen with phones. And so you have a lead-up period to prepare them for that."
All parents want to assume that their own child wouldn't cause harm online, Robertson says, but that is a fantasy.
Jo Robertson. Photo: Supplied
"There are obviously children out there in the world who are harming others online and we can't assume that our unicorn children will not do that. So talking about their own integrity, talking about bystander intervention and talking about the harms they may experience are all essential before you give them any independent access to the internet.
"If you're giving your child a smartphone, for example, at 13, then I would expect three years of chats about porn, about pressure, about bullying, about body image, you know, lots and lots of talks and not just one but over and over again throughout those really critical years."
In a recent conversation with her 10-year-old, Robertson told him that he might come across porn soon.
"He said 'Oh, that sounds really gross'. I said 'yeah, I understand that but when you do see it, you might actually be interested, you know, you've not seen people have sex before and that might feel quite interesting to you. And you might feel more curious. You might want to stay watching you might want to click links and I understand that.'"
Robertson says that in reality, it will likely be at a friend's house that her son sees pornography for the first time.
"I said, 'in that situation, jump up and say you want to go and play football or you want to go and do something different, and you can talk to the adult there. But if you don't feel comfortable, then say I'm feeling sick, say you want to come home and then we can talk about it'."
Children need parents to provide them with a number of strategies to use in these situations, she says.
"It's not likely that he's going to stumble across [porn] at our house with all of our filters and strategies but it is very likely that that's going to happen somewhere else and he needs to be prepared for that."
Robertson wants parents to also be aware that kids are often first exposed to pornographic content on social media platforms, not just porn sites.
"That's really important for parents to understand, that they might not intentionally go and access [X-rated] videos but they will stumble across them on these other platforms, and most likely they're going to see something that's quite aggressive towards women, that doesn't include consent and that doesn't show her pleasure."
While many parents and educators really struggle with talking to young people about pleasure as an aspect of healthy sex, Robertson says it's important to give them the full picture.
"That's the whole point for a lot of people. So it needs to be part of the conversation."
For family internet protection, Robertson recommends the New Zealand-based filtering company Safe Surfer.
Further parenting advice from Jo Robertson on RNZ:
Sextortion and online grooming
