Woman accusing musician of domestic violence says she was strangled, punched

Warning - this story discussed graphic details of domestic violence

A woman accusing a well known New Zealand musician of multiple counts of domestic violence has told a court that she had been strangled, punched, and sometimes trapped in a situation for hours as her former partner verbally lashed out at her.

The defendant, who has name suppression, is on trial at the Auckland District Court over four charges of assault on a person in a family relationship, two charges of threatening to kill, two charges of assault with a weapon, suffocation, and threatening to do grievous bodily harm - tracking back to events that happened in 2022.

The defence said the man acted in self-defence against physical attacks by the complainant, arguing that the complainant had mental health struggles and mood swings.

Earlier, the woman told the court that there was an unfair power dynamic between the couple because of his notoriety in the music industry and that he was more than 20 years older than her.

During cross-examination by defence lawyer Susan Gray about an alleged strangulation incident in a car in late 2023, and whether she had yelled at him, the complainant - appearing via audio visual link - said she would yell as he would often not allow her to speak.

"He would usually trap me in a situation for hours, and he would not let me speak, if I spoke he would put his hand over my mouth and nose or he'd pour water on me… every time I spoke he would say I was interrupting him,

"And it would be for hours on end, starting from day one of our relationship he would recap everything that he thought was wrong with me from day one of our relationship," she said.

The woman said during that incident, the man came uninvited to her friend's birthday party and demanded to speak to her - eventuating in an argument in a car when he put her hands over her mouth and nose, and his hands around her neck, threatening to kill her.

When Gray asked "he did not strangle you, did he?", the woman said "absolutely, he strangled me, he did threaten to kill me".

Gray said her client said he pushed the woman away with his hand on her chest, after she got up close to his face and yelled at him, but did not assault her.

When asked why the woman did not keep notes about the strangulation on her phone, as she did with other instances of abuse, the woman said "I don't take notes for everything that happens in my life".

The woman also told the court about being punched by her former partner in the ear, and hit on the head with a plastic bottle during a trip to Queenstown.

She recalled being threatened.

"He grabbed me, at some point he told me he's gonna punch my teeth out, that he's gonna kill me and pushed me up against a wall," she said.

When cross-examined on why she had apologised to the man the day after the assault, the woman said she was often being manipulated to feel that she was in the wrong.

"I apologised to him after he assaulted me, I apologised to him because I knew that I had to get through the next week, or however many days it was, with this man, and I acted like nothing happened.

"But I thought it was absolutely ridiculous that I was the one apologising after he threatened to kill me and he was assaulting me, but this is how manipulative this man is.

"He would always make everything my fault," she said.

The woman said looking back she felt she was confused in the relationship as he would "love bomb" her, but only when she acted in a way that he approved of - which included not being on social media and not drinking.

"Now looking back, I don't know why I apologised for posting a bikini photo," she said.

The woman also said the man would verbally abuse her.

In a screen-recording of online audio messages between the former couple played in court on Tuesday, the man told the woman to "Go F*** yourself".

The complainant's best friend, who was called as a Crown witness on Tuesday, said during her friend's relationship with the man, she felt her friend changed as a person over time, and they were not as close as they used to be.

She said her friend only came "back to normal" after the relationship ended.

The constable in charge of the case, Jodi Burton, also gave evidence on Tuesday.

Burton took over the case in January 2024 after attending a family harm callout.

She read out a transcript of a recorded interview with the defendant, in which he repeatedly denied impeding the breathing of the woman over multiple incidents, arguing that he had put his hand over her mouth without physical contact, so that he could have a chance to speak during their heated arguments.

The man told the officer that he had never grabbed the woman's throat or threatened to kill her.

He said he had once bit her in self defence during an argument, after she had elbowed him.

The man also told the officer that he had whacked the woman with an empty water bottle after she first punched him in the neck and jaw.

The defence: a toxic relationship, both ways

Defence lawyer Susan Gray said the complainant and the defendant had a "toxic relationship with verbal abuse both ways" and that her client accepted this.

"But the defence doesn't accept that he initiated physical violence", she said.

Gray said the only time when he used physical force was when he bit her arm in self defence, after she had whacked him in the face.

She said the complainant's verbal abuse of her client crossed into physical assault on several occasions, and the man had to defend himself.

"He never strangled or suffocated her," she said.

The defendant himself was the first witness to take the stand for the defence on Tuesday.

"There were times as things got heated, I have said things I do regret… sent her messages when I've been frustrated," he said.

But he maintained that he never assaulted the woman.

He said the complainant told him early on in their relationship that she had borderline personality disorder.

He said she had mood-swings and would verbally abuse him, slam doors, and bombard him with messages and phone calls - stemming from jealousy and security issues.

The defendant said he had arranged about nine counselling sessions for them as a couple.

When examined by his lawyer about the first altercation between him and the complainant during a holiday in Bali in 2022, he said she had accused him of sleeping with other women and had "lunged" at him after the argument escalated after the pair exchanged their mobile phones.

"She realised I was seeing shit, she jumped off the bed and lunged at me," he said, referring to him seeing the woman messaging other men on a dating app.

"She chased me, scratched my neck and shoulder, ripped my shirt," he said.

Where to get help:

• Need to Talk? Free call or text 1737 any time to speak to a trained counsellor, for any reason.
• Lifeline: 0800 543 354 or text HELP to 4357.
• Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0508 828 865 / 0508 TAUTOKO. This is a service for people who may be thinking about suicide, or those who are concerned about family or friends.
• Depression Helpline: 0800 111 757 or text 4202.
• Samaritans: 0800 726 666.
• Youthline: 0800 376 633 or text 234 or email talk@youthline.co.nz.
• What's Up: 0800 WHATSUP / 0800 9428 787. This is free counselling for 5 to 19-year-olds.
• Asian Family Services: 0800 862 342 or text 832. Languages spoken: Mandarin, Cantonese, Korean, Vietnamese, Thai, Japanese, Hindi, Gujarati, Marathi, and English.
• Rural Support Trust Helpline: 0800 787 254.
• Healthline: 0800 611 116.
• Rainbow Youth: (09) 376 4155.
• OUTLine: 0800 688 5463.

If it is an emergency and you feel like you or someone else is at risk, call 111.

Sexual Violence

• NZ Police.
• Victim Support 0800 842 846.
• Rape Crisis: 0800 88 33 00.
• Rape Prevention Education.
• Empowerment Trust.
• HELP (Auckland): 09 623 1700, (Wellington): 04 801 6655.
• Safe to talk: 0800 044 334.
• Tautoko Tāne Male Survivors Aotearoa.
• Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests (SNAP) 022 344 0496.

Family Violence

• Women's Refuge: 0800 733 843.
• It's Not OK 0800 456 450.
• Shine: 0508 744 633.
• Victim Support: 0800 842 846.
• HELP Call 24/7 (Auckland): 09 623 1700, (Wellington): 04 801 6655.
• The National Network of Family Violence Services NZ has information on specialist family violence agencies.

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