Flirting101 is back on the agenda as those seeking love delete their online presence in favour of reigniting some rusty real life social skills
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Serafin Upton is a relationship therapist, but when it comes to real life dating, she has a perpetual fear of making the first move.
"You couldn't pay me to ask somebody out. I would never ask somebody out ever. I'd be absolutely terrified that they didn't like me or they weren't single. I just wouldn't do it," she laughs.
Clearly Upton's not alone. While social media trends are showing people are sick of dating apps, those same people are also taking to social media to express their anxieties about the alternative.
"So I haven't made a single connection in the past five months that wasn't assisted by dating apps, and I've decided to quit dating apps, so now I have to talk to people again. Which is giving me incredible anxiety and I don't want to do it," says one TikTok user.
But over a decade after dating apps sprang into life, it seems that we've forgotten how to flirt in real life.
And while sliding into someones DM's may feel like the safer option, Upton doesn't think it is.
"It feels safer because we perceive that we're not going to be humiliated or shamed if we ask somebody out and they reject us, and also if they do reject us, we can always ghost them," she says.
Upton has nothing positive to say about dating apps, saying they're only allowing problems that already exist, like isolation and loneliness, to thrive.
"If we keep focusing on online interactions with strangers, we're not building relationships and building community with those people who are around us, like our neighbours, people at work," she says.
So if they're so toxic, why do we keep coming back to them?
"It sounds crazy but I think a lot of people feel embarrassed to want a relationship and so they go online because it feels like you don't have to 'out' the fact that you want to meet someone," Upton says.
"Given that it's not safe to say 'I want to be in a relationship' because then you're not 'cool' and there's not really any way you can meet people because there's no one you'd date at work and you only hang out with your flatmates. So I totally get why people go on dating apps, because there's such limited opportunities to meet people without embarrassing yourself," she adds.
So while the falling popularity of dating apps and rising influence of #boysober trends is signaling a return to the time of phone calls and bunches of flowers, Upton says it's going to take a hefty dose of bravery to renormalise approaching a potential match in person.
"There is that narrative of when you meet 'the one', you'll know, and you just need to wait and it'll happen when it's going to happen and these things could not be further from the truth. There is no scientific evidence that you will find that right person at the right moment, like that's just woo woo talk."
"We need to talk more and be brave, and be okay with saying, 'hey I want to date somebody' or 'hey I want to meet someone special'."
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