Study into fatherhood reveals many new dads feel 'ridiculously unprepared'

A new study into how fathers manage parenthood reveals new dads can experience dad guilt as well as another common phenomenon called passenger parenting.

Norma Barrett is a lecturer in public health and health promotion at Deakin University and the co-author of a new study into how fathers manage the transition into parenthood.

She found that both new and experienced fathers confessed to struggling with the changes a new baby can bring, while some felt an unexpected impact on their mental health.

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Feeling "ridiculously unprepared" for parenthood was also common, as was a sense of guilt.

But what do we know about dad guilt? And what exactly is a passenger parent?

Andy Krista became a father to daughter Frances just over two years ago.

Before becoming a dad, he imagined he'd be an active father who would do his share of pick-ups and drop-offs, as well as prep school lunches.

"My dad was always an active dad, even though he was a working dad. So yeah, I guess that was sort of the standard that I wanted to meet," he tells ABC Radio National's Life Matters.

Once baby Frances arrived, Andy happily leaned into the steep learning curve that is being a new parent.

But it was the return to work — and becoming a working dad — that proved most challenging.

"I had a really difficult time transitioning back to not just being a dad but being a working dad. Juggling and switching between being present for work and then also being present for my family."

It's something new dad Sam Bartley also experienced when it came time for him to return to work following a couple of weeks at home with son Paddy.

"It felt far too soon to be leaving my partner Holly at home and I just didn't feel ready to get back into normal life," he says.

Once at work, the dad guilt set in.

"I felt guilty spending a whole week at work just doing things like going to get a coffee with another worker or going out for lunch while Holly was at home doing the hard yards."

Coping with change, dealing with diminished mental health and dad guilt were only one part of the complex ball of emotions fathers might experience.

Dads also described feeling a lack of agency and fearful of voicing their own preferences and needs, which is referred to as being a passenger parent.

"That was something that rang true with the fathers that I interviewed," says Barrett.

"They described trying to help with those early challenges around sleep deprivation or breastfeeding, which — of course — tend to be centred around the mother and baby.

"But also wanting to maybe make suggestions but then recognising these weren't always welcome or they weren't always the right ones and feeling bad about it."

For example, Andy found instances where he was forced to take a back seat once Frances came home.

"Of course, there's the rhetoric around you from the elders and my in-laws that says, 'Oh, she just wants mum.'

"I don't think there's any malicious intent behind that, but I can appreciate how it leads to what they call weaponised incompetence … and that was never something I wanted to do.

"But it's definitely a trap that I'll acknowledge I unintentionally have fallen into at times."

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the study also revealed that when it came to parenting in those early years, roles are firmly gendered.

"There seems to be this kind of default position where dads are the secondary or the sidekick parent at the beginning, often for practical reasons and sometimes social reasons," explains Barrett.

"But then as the journey progresses, they seem to be kind of stuck in this position and not knowing how to integrate into the parenting journey and to actually make contributions that they think will be useful."

As for the dilemma of trying to balance fatherhood with becoming a working parent, Ms Barrett puts this down to fathers returning to work a lot earlier than mothers.

"Nowadays, of course, there's partner leave but compared to mothers, they tend to take a lot less time off with the result that they're straight back into work and they've got this challenge where they're trying to balance these priorities," she says.

"The dads I interviewed described this immense shift in priorities because actually a lot of dads … didn't expect how satisfying, how joyful, how much love they would feel after the arrival of their baby."

Unlike previous studies that have focused on the first year of parenting, the study involved men from across Australia with children from newborn age to eight years old.

Its broadened scope revealed a surprising finding: fathers who experienced dad guilt also carried these feelings for longer.

"It wasn't just feeling guilt around the pain their partner experienced at the time or in the days after [birth]," says Barrett.

"Some described it as a personal trauma to themselves to witness their partner go through a difficult pregnancy, a difficult delivery, and feeling quite helpless and powerless in terms of how to support them and alleviate some of that suffering."

It's something Sam is aware of following the "traumatic" birth of Paddy, made worse by the soon-to-be-dad's positive COVID-19 test while he was at the hospital getting ready for the birth.

"That was a bit full on. Luckily, they put us in a room by ourselves … But when Paddy came out, there [were] complications so Holly and the baby got rushed out of the room," he says.

"I was left by myself for about three hours, and I was just in shock. Yeah, it was rough."

Andy deals with his dad guilt by trying to find ways to be an active and productive parent.

"Things like getting the next load of washing ready or cleaning up the dishes while my partner is trying to get Frances into bed," he explains.

"Or just trying to take turns with things rather than just sitting on the couch and doom scrolling because I find that that's only going to worsen the situation.

"And I think having an open line of communication with my partner as well is really paramount to that.

"Not necessarily addressing things when something happens but maybe … taking a pause after the dust has settled to have a conversation about something that we might disagree upon."

It's important to have conversations about this before the baby arrives, Ms Barrett says.

"Have a chat about what you think your roles might look like and how you would be willing to give and take should your preferences change.

"Early parenting educators have a role to play in this as well. Planting the seed of 'have you thought about this?'

"Likewise, supportive employers. They can step up as well and instigate those conversations and say, 'Look, we're going to have a chat about it prior to baby's arrival. What kind of leave are you going to take?'"

Raising children can often be hard work, but no one needs to feel guilty about doing their best as a parent.