Is monogamy the only natural way to love and be loved?

As a child, sex coach and podcaster Dr Jamie Grant knew she was someone who “loved expansively”.

When she realised as a young woman that despite their promises none of the men she dated were monogamous, she decided she didn't have to be either.

When it was on one hand “absolutely tragic” that Grant's parents disowned her when she came out as queer a couple of years later, she tells RNZ's Saturday Morning it set her further along the path to personal liberation.

“It really gave me a lot of freedom to think ‘How do I really want to create my intimate and sexual and familial life?”

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Grant is the host of the Just Sex podcast and the author of a new guidebook Polyamory For Dummies which explains how non-monogamy works in the real world.

She has lived a polyamorous lifestyle herself for over 40 years and as a sex coach often sees couples preparing for monogamous commitment despite one having poly leanings.

In a situation where one half of a couple is "fundamentally polyamorous" and the other "fundamentally monogamous", a second coaching session is rarely required, she says.

“You have no wiggle room, you have nowhere to go.”

The number one reason people think polyamory would be impossible for them is jealousy, Grant says.

But although we're indoctrinated to believe that jealousy is a love response it’s actually a scarcity response and one we can work on adjusting, she says.

We're happy to see our kids, friends and family members growing and learning more about themselves, Grant says, so why can’t we extend that same generosity of spirit to a romantic partner's amorous adventures?

In Grant's own life, polyamory has been nothing less than a “revolutionary force”.

“It's helped me be braver about other risks I could take because I just wasn't doing the norm, you know, I wasn't marching in lockstep with everybody else around relationships.”

Inside the “very closed system” of a monogamous relationship, people are often exhausted by the demands of parenting, Grant says, while those in poly relationships get much more respite.

“I literally have a group of people who are deeply invested in my children and have supported me … These are not people I'm married to, these are my loves.”

Grant’s two kids - who were in their late teens when they found out their mum was polyamorous - tell her that many young adults are now experimenting with and talking about non-monogamy.

In a world of diminishing opportunities and multiplying threats, she isn’t surprised that being part of an intimate group is for some more appealing than a traditional twosome.

“I think one of the reasons why so many more of Gen Z are thinking about polyamory is that it makes sense to take on the world as a team right now.”