Forgiveness: it sounds nice but what does science say?

In 2011 and on the day Ben Purua was sentenced to five years in prison for a manslaughter conviction, the family of the man who was murdered offered their forgiveness to the three perpetrators.

"I believe I am to forgive Connor, Ben and William, and I do," said Stephanie Faloon, the daughter of 74-year-old Donald Stewart, who was beaten and left to die in a Hamilton alleyway in 2010.

Purua, who was a finalist for 2025 Young New Zealander of the Year, recently told RNZ's Saturday Morning that the offer of forgiveness - as well as a love for farming and animals that he found while in prison - course corrected his life.

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But rehabilitation isn't always a straight line. After being recalled to prison a few times following his initial release, around 2016 Purua truly decided to change.

"That was huge... just that, their word forgiveness alone is quite powerful."

"Up until then even though I had got released from prison... I was still imprisoned within my own mind, still serving my own sentence."

Forgiveness is a tricky subject that can trigger a range of strong opinions, especially the idea that some deserve it and others don’t and never will. The concept's religious undertones can also be off-putting for those who don’t have a faith.

Unforgiveness was famously described by the American author Marianne Williamson as drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. But what does science and psychology say about how forgiveness can impact the person giving it and the person receiving it.

Dr Jeremy Simons from the Centre of Restorative Practice at Victoria University is more comfortable describing what forgiveness is not rather than what it is.

“Look, forgiveness doesn't mean that you're saying what happened is OK. Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship with the person when this is done. Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to become friends or like them.”

“Forgiveness is really a choice you make not to hold something against another person.”

Simons has spent a decade facilitating restorative justice conferences between parties and often forgiveness isn’t verbalised, but rather there is an “energy of forgiveness.”

“It could be just a raised eyebrow, meeting the person's eyes for the first time, being willing to talk to them afterwards.”

True forgiveness cannot be forced and no one is obligated to forgive.

“It's a gift that you confer on someone,” said Dr Anthony Ward, a clinical and forensic psychology professor from Victoria University who has worked with perpetrators of crime for more than three decades.

Forgiveness can occur at three levels, according to philosopher Trudy Govier. Primary forgiveness can only come from the victim of the crime or situation. Secondary forgiveness, that Purua experienced, can come from the friends and family of the victim. Then there is tertiary forgiveness, which is at a community level.

That’s because “crime is understood to harm the community as well as individuals,” said Ward, who adds self-forgiveness as a fourth level.

Major religions, including Christianity and Islam, have a huge focus on forgiveness, but that doesn't mean those without a faith aren’t practising forgiveness.

“You’ve got to look at our everyday life, and we forgive all the time. If you think about minor transgressions with your partner or your friends, you forgive

“That’s not religious. The relationships can’t function - friendships, close relationships, romantic relationships.”

For Simons, religion can take some credit for keeping forgiveness front and centre for millenniums.

“I think faith and religion have rightly wrestled with the ideas and brought a spiritual sort of layer to what it means to forgive and to be reconciled.”

Research has shown some physical benefits to forgiveness. An older study from 2007 suggested a link between forgiveness with reduced blood pressure and better heart health in the face of stress.

A 2023 study from Harvard University that involved 4,600 adults from five countries found that the group who worked through a self-guided forgiveness workbook reported reduced anxiety and depression symptoms compared to those who didn’t have the workbook.

Similarly, research done in 2017 found that those who achieved a “state” of forgiveness - a disposition toward forgiveness - reported feeling more positive emotions and a heightened sense of meaning in life.

Research has mostly focused on the physical and mental response of the person who gives forgiveness. However, crime perpetrators who go through the restorative justice process in New Zealand are less likely to re-offend.

Restorative justice brings willing victims and perpetrators together normally in person, allowing the victim to communicate the crime’s impact on their lives. In an ideal world, the perpetrator accepts responsibility for their actions and apologise. Sometimes victims verbally offer forgiveness or communicate it over time.

Of offenders who go through this process, 34 percent re-offend compared to a 39 percent reoffense rate of those who don’t participate in a restorative justice conference, according to Ministry of Justice data from 2016. This mirrors findings overseas.

Keith Tudor, a professor of psychotherapy at the Auckland University of Technology, has seen many clients move on from hurt without forgiving the inflictor.

“My view is there are some models of therapy that say part of the healing process is to forgive the abuser or the perpetrator. My issue with that is it puts the victim... under pressure to do that and I actually don’t think it’s necessary.

“The victim may make part of their recovery journey maybe to simply not to forgive, but not to be so attached to the perpetrator.”

Tudor pointed to the high percentage of crimes that go unreported to the police. More than 90 percent of sexual assaults go unreported. This is particularly the case when a family member abuses others in the family.

"There's so much pressure on the victim to first of all not to report it and we know that it's underreporting of abuse and trauma.”

“And then to say ‘Well, just get over it’ or ‘He didn’t mean it’ or all sorts of ways in which people have put victims under pressure to discount the impact of it.’

Ward believes perpetrators who have served their punishment, worked on themselves and shown remorse for their actions, in a sense deserve forgiveness.

If that isn’t forthcoming from the victim, forgiveness can still come from the community and from the perpetrator themselves in the form of self-forgiveness. It’s possible for therapists, as representatives of the state, to forgive clients on behalf of the community, said Ward. (remember: any crime hurts communities as well a victims).

“You cannot forgive on behalf of the victim or victim's family because you don’t have that right, but as a member of the broader community - absolutely - and you’ve got to be very careful the way you impart this.”

Those clients might also need to do their own forgiving with a large portion of convicted criminals themselves experiencing trauma and abuse, often in childhood.

With self-forgiveness, therapists can take clients through role plays or have them write letters to victims that they don’t send to take responsibility and feel regret.

And then it’s about “helping them sit with that discomfort and that’s when self-forgiveness is really powerful.”